As a teenager I spent countless hours holed up behind the locked door of the upstairs bathroom in our modest suburban 70’s home, staring at myself in the mirror that spanned one entire wall. Often I would climb up on the long vanity that should have housed a double sink so I could get the closest look possible, studying my face intently, praying I would someday be pretty. When my mother would tout the benefits of being smart I thought she was out of her mind, angered even by the pity I was certain was driving such a poorly veiled attempt to pacify her obviously plain daughter. What girl would ever want to be smart? Are you kidding me? Pretty was where it was at. That’s how you attracted the boys, and wow, did I want a boyfriend.
Women spend lifetimes looking in the mirror. And we’re rarely kind to ourselves when we do, always finding something to feel bad about, reason to wish we were in some way different, better. For me, the mirror always showed me what was lacking; gave excuses to fuel my belief that I would never be enough, prevented me from having what I truly wanted.
We don’t leave these feelings at the vanity, do we? We allow them to accompany us wherever we go. Everyday talented women are bringing only a fraction of themselves to the table, their confidence and power usurped by a bad hair day or muffin top. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, we can’t be our best selves.
Forbes Woman has a post this week http://www.forbes.com/sites/shenegotiates/2012/12/09/negotiating-with-the-woman-in-the-mirror/?utm_campaign=fwtwittersf&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social professing that while women may be achieving the goals set in the workplace, there is still this nagging feeling we’re not getting to what is really meaningful, what makes us feel good. It’s suggested that if we looked at all of our goals through the lens of how we want to feel at the office, at home, and in relationships that our choices would be much different, bring us happiness, and cause us to actually like the woman in the mirror. Think about how powerful you are on the days you really feel great about yourself. How much could you accomplish if that was you every day?
Authorities on the subject have been telling me for years that the remedy for a lonely single life is to go out and do what makes you happy. Immersing yourself in activities you love will bring happiness, you’ll forget about your singleness and your obvious joie de vivre will attract new friends, some of which may become dates, this notion that when you stop looking you’ll find a great person.
I’m starting to believe there could be truth to this. I didn’t set out exploring my passions for the express purpose of finding a man. My motives for adding dimensionality to my life were born out of failure at the office, the need to get my eggs out of one basket, to build the scaffolding for a legitimate Plan B, C and D, all with varying degrees of viability for profitable pursuit at some point should Plan A be a flop. And, yes, to do something meaningful. But in the process I’ve found something surprising: All of this makes me happy.
I’m looking not only at how my job and the people in my life make me feel, but making choices based on how I want to feel. I’m choosing words like peace, freedom, intrepidity, power and happiness. I will surround myself with as many people as possible and as many work assignments as allowable that meet these criteria. It doesn’t matter so much anymore whether there’s a potential boyfriend amid the crowd or coffers of money with the work because my motivation has changed. I just want to feel good about myself and what I do.
These days when people ask me about what I’m up to I can’t help but be excited about what I’m describing. What I’ve noticed, and what is changing my life, is the face of the person I’m talking to. It becomes the mirror of my obvious delight. When we speak with passion our entire face lights up, a huge smile erupts, words pour out, eyes dance; we glow in refulgence. Others can’t help but be attracted to such infectious excitement or heartfelt joy. I know this to be true. I’ve seen it reflected back at me many times. Sharing that kind of enthusiasm with someone creates an inexplicable bond, far beyond anything pretty could do on its own.
When we start filtering our to-do lists through this very personal sieve what truly matters easily makes it through the mesh. When we start weighing requests for our time on a scale of feelings it’s instantly evident how quickly our loads are lightened when we say “no”. Shouldn’t we be setting strategic goals for ourselves that foster a state of being rather than doing?
When I look in the mirror today if peace, freedom, intrepidity, power and happiness are not looking back at me I know it’s time to recalibrate. My mirror radiates shining possibilities.
And, by the way, I’m so thankful I’m smart.
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