Cleave

“A girl should get exactly what she wants.”  I’m not sure who to attribute these words to, or where I first heard them, but this has become an aphorism for me.  At face value, this statement can be taken as presumptuous, or be misconstrued as some sort of entitlement, but for me these are words that remind me to be patient and that I don’t have to settle.

My dreams are well-thought out and meaningful to me.  If I’m going to put myself out there to realize them, I should not accept an outcome that is anything less than what I set out to achieve.  This doesn’t mean that I can’t change my mind along the way and reset my goals, rather it means that I shouldn’t lower my standards or expectations because it feels too hard, is taking too long, or others are telling me it’s unattainable.

This adage shot back up to the top of my mind after a conversation at a party I recently attended where it was opined that it should be relatively easy for a woman my age to find a man who will treat her decently.    I am wrestling with the word “decent”.   The on-line dictionary says “above average in quality”, “satisfactory”, “adequate”, “sufficient”.    While there is nothing outwardly offensive about these words, they leave me feeling insipid.  When I think about what I want my next relationship to look like, these are not the descriptors that come to mind. 

Is this all there is?

I’ll admit to having what could be described as a Pollyanna perspective on relationships.  I am looking for “amazing”.  I don’t want to settle for “decent”.  This is not the first time I’ve wondered whether it is too much to expect a relationship where there is mutual love, respect, and admiration fueled by enthusiasm, joy, and passion.  A partnership with someone who has his own dreams he can’t wait to let me in on, and supports mine in the same manner.   I’m looking for someone who is not afraid to invest and be truly intimate:  A person who not only loves me but has the courage to give me the ultimate gift of allowing himself to be loved back.   

I know all about how hard this is.  I know that life gets in the way, that the commitments of work and kids leave little time for the couple.   I have lived the power struggle of competing goals and the battle for an equal division of labor.  I have suffered the apathy and atrophy that separate lives create. I have sat huddled in the gloaming wondering how I could feel so alone with someone right beside me.

I also know it doesn’t have to be this way.   Relationships end up in unhappy places because of the choices we make managing what life sends our way. Many of our relationships lack credence and courage.   We’re afraid to ask for what we really want. We avoid the difficult conversations because we’re unskilled at managing the raw emotions they elicit.  It’s easier to keep our distance.  This is how we end up with “decent.”  There’s nothing particularly wrong, but there’s nothing really right either.

Just like we have the power to drive our careers in the way we want them to go, we have this same power to drive our relationships.   To define what we want them to look and feel like and to model the behaviors that manifest the best in us.   Is it easy?  No way.  But it can be done.  It has to be done.  Our happiness depends on it.   

I’ve decided that at this point in my life if the option is to settle for "decent", I am happier alone.  I’m not lowering my standards.  And I’m not giving up the pursuit.  My eyes are wide open.  I know what I’m looking for is not easy to find or maintain.  I know I need to be open to someone who may not be practiced at this type of relationship, but who is willing to work with me to find our way to it and through it.

And therein lies the beauty.   You can start this anytime you want.  You can start today with the person you’re in a relationship with right now. Chances are “decent” is not what he’s looking for either.  Together you can figure out what you want it to be like and make it happen.  We have the power to turn “decent” into “amazing”.