Besieged

In a recent meeting with one of our client service teams, I was struck by the inordinate amount of time we spent talking about the clients’ bad behavior.  Our team felt inundated with criticism and in turn deemed the client to be inconsiderate, ungrateful, ignorant, oblivious, insensitive, and unappreciative, to name a few.  The leader is frustrated, believing he is doing everything right operationally, yet perplexed, unable to identify the changes he needs to make in his organization to trigger a warm embrace and celebration of success from the client. 

After spending two days assessing his team’s operations I came to find that his team is technically solid.  I couldn’t come up with another report he can compile, training to complete or meeting he can add to his calendar that will improve his team’s service delivery. What I did come away with is overwhelming evidence that he is in a one-sided relationship with his client.

Plain and simple, whether we are talking about business or life, in order for relationships to be successful, both parties need to be invested.  I think we can all attest to the amount of work it takes to maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship when both parties are engaged and committed to being together.  No wonder it feels like moving mountains when one side isn’t a willing, contributing participant.

As my peer experienced with his client, it is extremely frustrating when you feel like you’re doing everything you can on your end, you see no indication that the other side is expending equal effort, yet the fault seems to rest with you.  It begs the question:  Is your partner really a partner? 

If the answer is no, you’ve got some decisions to make.

We tend to feel trapped, believing that we have no choice in these situations but to stay.  Getting out might mean looking for another job which can create economic pressures or feel impossible because we don’t quite know how to find something new.  It may mean ending a marriage and taking on greater financial responsibilities or single parenthood.  Fear of the onslaught of unknowns that come with moving on to something new often preclude us from exiting a toxic situation, but if you’re struggling and unhappy and feel you’ve done all you can to change things, you owe it to yourself to consider leaving.  You do have a choice.  

And getting out is often the best choice if you can’t keep your contempt and attitude in check.  A bad attitude impacts everyone around you, especially when you’re the leader of a team at the office or a few impressionable children you love like no other.  And it can certainly dim all of the good you’ve done.  While it’s not easy to do, sometimes the right thing to do is find the courage to bow out.

If you decide to stay, you need to make peace with yourself.  Is the situation ideal?  No.  Do you wish it was different?  Yes.  But you’ve decided to stay in. If you’re going to be happy, you need to take your focus away from trying to change things you can’t influence to making the best of the situation for yourself and those around you. 

While the destructive behavior may feel personal, most of the time it’s not. In the business situation I’ve highlighted, it’s reasonable to believe that this client may feel his job could be in jeopardy because the service provider has come in and is delivering at a higher level.  When we feel threatened, we’ll do what it takes to protect ourselves.  I think about how mean and nasty my teenagers can get when I get too close to a guarded secret or insecurity they want to mask. 

I’m a firm believer that no one comes to the office everyday saying “I’d like to do a bad job today and make everyone around me miserable.”  Nor do we intend to create an insufferable home.  There is often something that is not evident to others impacting the way we behave.  We all face challenges, harbor worries, and covet dreams we’re reluctant to share with anyone, even those closest to us.  Having an appreciation and awareness for this makes it easier to exist in any environment.

When we can acknowledge that it’s not personal, we’re given a clearer, more objective perspective that can open the door to honest conversation and compromise. These are the very things that are needed to build and maintain good relationships. Coming to terms with our inability to control anyone’s behavior but our own creates its own kind of power.    

We’re all weak in some ways.  But the good news is we’re all strong as well.  Recognizing our strength, that we have choices and that it is necessary to grant grace in order to get through difficult situations is what ultimately gets us to where we want to go.