Credence

My teenager broke my trust (yet again) over the weekend, leaving me deliberating his fate on the high school social scene. I’ve adopted the practice of holding my tongue in the moment, believing that time to mull over the situation always results in a better outcome.  But I admit I couldn’t keep quiet this time.  I felt mortally wounded and wanted him to bleed with me. It’s a natural reaction, but not the best one.  It leaves me wondering how I will ever be able to completely trust him.

My first impulse, which is to throw up my hands, proclaim I can’t trust him at all and therefore he will never leave my sight, is like walking myself into a prison cell, the door clanking behind me. It’s an impractical self-made trap I want no part of.  So I think the answer lies in digging a little deeper and looking across the spectrum of trust relationships.

Nurturing trust is vital to safe flight out of the nest for our children, and it’s also an essential ingredient to opening the door to our dreams.  Taking that highly personal desire from your heart and vocalizing it to someone who can help you take the first step cannot be underestimated.  It’s make or break.  No one goes anywhere without it. 

Yet, to me, trust is one of the most confounding elements of the human condition.  Trust requires an enormous amount of confidence and courage on the part of both the truster and the trustee.  (I’m making up my own words now, but stay with me.)

When you choose someone to trust, you are making yourself vulnerable by sharing something of tremendous value – whether it is a feeling or insecurity you harbor, a rule you need followed to keep a loved one safe, an important piece of business with negative consequences if it doesn’t go right, a promise you need kept, or a dream you want to pursue so badly you can taste it, but you’re not sure you can make happen.  How do you know this person will protect and value your cargo in the same way you do and be honest with you if he or she falters? 

How do you know this person has your back and will stay pressed up against you even if it means sacrificing himself?

When you’re the person being trusted, you have an obligation to live up to the responsibility you’ve accepted.  But we’re all human.  There are going to be times when you’ll be tempted to break the trust, your best intentions and efforts fall short, or you just aren’t strong enough. You owe the person who is counting on you an explanation, but fear of the repercussions that may come with admitting your shortcomings preclude an honest conversation. Fear is both the reason for a breach of trust and the inevitable lies that ensue.

Trust gets broken, and if you’re left feeling hurt and demoralized because of it, the first step to healing is to realize it’s not about you. 

Sounds strange, doesn’t it?  But think for a minute about some situations where trust is lost.  For a project at work going down the wrong path, maybe it is a fear that admitting things aren’t going well or asking for help will put skills in question or a job in jeopardy. For a teenager deceiving a parent, it’s almost always about gaining a freedom he wants but is afraid to ask for because he is anticipating the inevitable “no” and going without that freedom seems insufferable.  For a spouse in an unsatisfying marriage, maybe there is so much conflict and only enough courage for half-hearted attempts at working together to find a solution; it seems easier to medicate unhappiness with someone fresh and new on the side.

If you’ve trusted a person who let you down in ways like this, recognize there’s almost never deliberate intent to hurt you.  Rather, there’s fear and insecurity that drives a self-protective behavior. Is it destructive?  Sometimes, yes, but it’s not about you. 

We talk a lot in the business of client service about building a “trusted advisor” relationship:   Getting your client to open up and share her problems so that you can help her solve. It’s not easy to cultivate these relationships. To be successful, as the trusted advisor you have to be willing to trust.

Trusting freely looks like this to me:  Accept that there is always some possibility that trust will be breached. Become that person at work and at home who makes it safe for others to share themselves. And look for people to trust who are open in the same way.  These are the people we gravitate toward when we’re looking for the validation and encouragement that launching a dream requires. A person who willingly shares his vulnerability will be open to and protective of yours.

Know that trust is broken because of the propensity to mask our insecurities and weaknesses that became the very definition of human nature the minute Eve took a bite of the apple. Have I mentioned it’s not about you? 

This is a tall order, for sure, but we’re all up to the challenge.

Trust someone.  Start with your dad if you have to.  He loves you unconditionally.  Share one of your failure stories and how you ultimately prevailed with someone on your team who’s powering through a really tough assignment.  Try to understand what freedom your teenager is craving incessantly the next time you catch him in a lie.  Be real. Unravel the next step you need to take to realize your dream by sharing it with someone who can help.  You’ll be glad you did.