Heresy

 “Men treat us badly and we just need to get over it!” she barks through the phone, lambasting me as I’m explaining why I have no interest in socializing with her and her boyfriend who happens to be my ex-husband.  I leave this conversation shaking my head, yet unable to shake the bad feeling even though it happened several years ago.

 

Fast forward to present day.  I’m talking with one of my dear friends, a smart, attractive corporate executive who’s been on the lookout for Mr. Right for almost a decade since her divorce.  Her response to my hurt feelings over an encounter lacking what I was raised to believe is common courtesy is a flippant “men don’t think about that; it’s no big deal.”

 

It’s got me wondering where on earth we’ve left our pride. 

Caitlin Moran, a self-proclaimed “strident feminist” published a fantastic autobiographical satire in 2011 called “How To Be a Woman”. Parts of it have me howling out loud, much to the disdain of the neighbors within earshot of my patio.  Moran weaves the fabric of every woman’s life; the warp of each chapter a gut-busting stop on her journey through womanhood; the weft the sobering story of the second-class and often demeaning status of women throughout history, complete with her compelling case for change. 

What I find most captivating is her introduction, describing the concept of “Broken Windows”, this theory that if repair on even one window in an abandoned building is ignored, it’s seen as a sign by vandals that the entire place is fair game to be invaded or decimated.  According to Moran, as women we put ourselves at risk to be similarly violated every time we allow yet another seemingly small injustice slip by unnoticed.

Women are marginalized every day.  We don’t see it coming; many times we don’t even notice it when it’s happening.  Most men, I truly believe, are not even aware that they do this. Our gender roles, behaviors, interactions with and status relative to men were cast at the beginning of time.  If there wasn’t science to prove it’s not so, you’d swear it’s encoded in our DNA. It’s pernicious and invasive; to deny that it’s there and not act on it is the equivalent of marginalizing ourselves.  I won’t have it.

I’m the first to admit it’s not easy to combat this.  When I think about how many times in my life I’ve just gone quietly, it makes me want to scream.  And it still happens to me today. In fact, over the course of the last several weeks I have literally watched, like an out of body experience, as a boundary I set at great emotional peril ebbs away silently under my own resigned acquiescence.  Even though we know we’re entitled to be on equal ground with men, it can still be excruciating to hold our ground in situations where men have always been dominant.

Somehow the term feminist has been marginalized as well, reduced to a four-letter word.  It takes a strong woman willing to put up with a load of crap to even call herself one out loud.  But the last time I checked the dictionary the definition was this:  “advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men.”  What’s so wrong about equality?

Not everyone is made to stand on a soapbox as an activist for womankind.  But we can all keep our eyes open for those seemingly innocuous acts of injustice, find the courage to speak up, and in the process feel really good about ourselves.

 

Because we don’t need to get over it; the little things do matter.