It’s
been an exhausting week. I never did
acclimate to the time change, up at 4AM and yawning by 7PM. I’ve
been bogged down by the nagging feeling that I have an overwhelming amount of
work to do. I’m starting a new job,
having not yet unraveled myself from the old one. I thought I would feel better
if I organized myself, so I created a spreadsheet categorizing my new
responsibilities, documenting deliverables and due dates, but was surprised this
normally therapeutic exercise didn’t do
the trick. Studying my list intently, it
became evident that it’s
not about how much I have on my plate, but how much I have on my mind.
Settling into my aisle seat in the row I had all to myself
on this empty flight, without the bird, in case you were wondering, I powered
up my laptop and got to work. That is
until the flight attendant informed me that my wireless mouse is a device that
cannot be used in the air. Really? Sadly, really. I’m embarrassed to admit
I am lost without my mouse. I’m a speedy typist, having
logged countless hours of practice as a kid on the manual Smith Corona in the
basement of my parents’
home. Fast typing garners me amazing
productivity; however, take away my mouse and I’m crippled. Unable to tolerate my own inefficiencies, I
slapped down the lid of the computer and opened my book instead.
This is very similar to the way I feel at work these
days. I’m staring at the same keyboard;
however, I can’t
move around at will like I’m
used to. Everything looks the same, but it
feels as if I’ve
landed on the board of a different game.
The players are unfamiliar and I’m
learning the rules as I roll the dice. The
mistakes need to be made in order to learn how to play. This really messes with
my mind. I like to read the directions
in advance, play a practice round or two while my generous colleagues offer
helpful hints, warn of hidden dangers and suggest successful strategies. Finding
this blog post from box of crayons (love the name), describes exactly what this
feels like: http://www.boxofcrayons.biz/2013/02/notknowingtherules/
We all get attached to our structure, whatever that is. We’re
comfortable when we know where to find things, who to connect with, how stuff
gets done. We achieve a certain level of
success when we’re entrenched
in what we know, ensconced in familiar hands. Stretching to the next level is
risky. This new space can leave us feeling less confident, less intelligent and
overwhelmed. We wonder if we’ll be able to be as
successful in a new role, if we’ll ever
be able to find our way around this board, be able to win at this new game.
It’s
funny, though, as uncomfortable as all the ambiguity can be, I can’t seem to stay away
from it. It’s
like some macabre accident that’s so
gruesome you just have to look. Having spent some time last year working in a
stable environment where everything was always status quo, I found myself going
out of my mind with boredom. I revel in environments that are transforming and
evolving. There’s something juicy and enticing
about leading when I’m
not quite sure exactly where we’re
going.
Maybe my gift is my curse.
Maybe helping hands are in plain view if I just take off the blinders. Maybe I need to buy a tethered mouse. 
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