I’m spending quite a bit of time in the dark these days. Not in the literal sense, although I’ve become somewhat nocturnal, burning the midnight oil writing blog posts and copy, designing and producing art work I intend to market. I’m talking about the figurative dark, like I’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere and can’t program my GPS. I know where I want to go, but I’m not sure how to find my destination. All my usual signposts and markers are invisible. While I’ve never questioned whether I belong in the driver’s seat, I could sure use a trusty navigator right about now.
As I sail in uncharted waters at work, I’m getting involved in aspects of business that are new to me. This is invaluable experience and surely another arrow in my quiver, but it can be a little unsettling being asked to lead in a new and unfamiliar realm. I’m used to being the one with all the answers, confident and sure-footed. I’m learning it’s easy to lead when you think you can predict the outcome, and have enough experience to know where the pitfalls are, anticipating the issues and adeptly maneuvering around them. Quite a different story when you’re out of your element.
The real test for a leader, I’m finding, comes when you’re in darkness, the truly unfamiliar and unknown.
Peter Bregman, my dreamy HBR blogger, wrote last month on the idea that the most formidable leaders are the ones who get acclimated to the feelings associated with being “lost while people are following you.” Right on! What an insightful way to describe it. Read more here: http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2012/06/the-emotional-adventure-of-lea.html?cm_sp=blog_flyout-_-bregman-_-the_emotional_adventure_of_lea
Really great leaders learn to trust the mess. They somehow persevere and are able to make decisions to move forward, while living in an uncertain environment. One of my literary heroines, Scarlett O’Hara, is the archetype for endurance in extraordinarily trying times. Scarlett is infinitely resourceful, making do with what she has in front of her (remember her dress fashioned from draperies?), but never losing sight of where she is going. She becomes proficient at moving forward in spite of those unsettling feelings like frustration, embarrassment, humility and angst that can bubble up when the course is indeterminate or unpredictable. But Scarlett is also glaringly human; we see in her that if we’re not careful, even the best of us can find ourselves climbing the walls like raging lunatics or dissolving into a puddle of tears on the floor. Unacceptable behavior, for sure; especially when others are depending on you to take charge, but also very real.
So what do you do? How do you deal in uncertainty and keep it all together?
What I’m learning at work, is that my unfamiliarity causes me to default to active listening and to naturally delegate tasks. I have no choice. I’m surrounded by really talented people who are the subject matter experts in these areas that are foreign to me. I am leaning into them to educate me and trusting the knowledge they bring to the table. My role is to keep everyone organized and focused on the vision and our goals, recognize when the team needs additional expertise and run productive meetings that keep everyone on track to meet the deadlines. I’m talking less and listening more. I’m learning to be okay with not having all of the answers. I might be in the dark, but my team sees the light.
At home, it’s not so easy. Raising teenagers is truly the blind leading the blind. And it’s really difficult not to lose your mind and spout off some regrettable words, especially when you can keep your behavior confined to the domestic. Yet, after another challenging week with my kids, Bregman’s words are strangely like a salve on my wounded pride. Not only does he say the ambiguity and anxiety that swirls around us in the dark is to be expected, but that great leaders need to possess an abundant and endless supply of forbearance, fearlessness and faith for this very reason. These are the qualities that allow us to trust our gut and move forward.
I’m granting myself a little more grace. There is no manual for raising children. And there is no one formula that works on every kid, even when two kids grow up in the same house together. As awkward as it feels, this really is how it is supposed to be.
Some people make leadership look so easy. They are charismatic, confident and nimble, even in situations sure to ruffle staunch feathers. This is what I aspire to be. Have I ever lost my temper or burst into tears? Of course I have. Who hasn’t? With most affairs in life, a mishandled matter is an opportunity to reflect and consider new tactics for the next time. Character isn’t found in perfection, it’s found in striving to be perfect. It’s what gets us out of the dark and also what allows us to shine brilliantly in our own light.
No one knows this better than Scarlett: “After all, tomorrow is another day”.
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