Sluice

No doubt, this young man’s speech leaves me speechless, in part, because he is my nephew.  While his circumstances are unique, his message is universal.  Shouldn’t we all be grateful to our loved ones for accepting the challenge of us?

2013 Inspirational Athlete of the Year

Imbibe

By the time I walked through the door of my home the other evening, I had somehow allowed myself to plummet deep into a black hole of self-loathing and inadequacy. So when a piece of snail mail alerted me that my son had missed an important appointment I didn’t even realize was on the calendar, and time spent navigating the pharmacy’s automated menu was for naught culminating in the revelation that zero refills remain on the script, it was all I could do to keep the tears welling in my baby blues from breaking over their lash-lined dam.  On most days these minor annoyances do not get to me, but piled on top of the twenty minutes I waited for the valet to retrieve my car from the packed garage, the two hours I spent in a meeting where I felt my presentation paled in comparison to the others, and the slow evaporation of the heads down time I had carved out to work on Monday’s presentation, even the extremely positive conversation with my manager that kicked off my day lost its shiny luster.

The raw imperfection of everyday life is a given, yet so many of us subconsciously expect to float through with everything going our way.  If I follow the instructions for activating my Blackberry I should start receiving e-mails, right?  There’s no accounting for the user who errs by typing in her e-mail address incorrectly, aborting the transfer.  And so phone calls to IT ensue and when I identify my own problem I feel like a heel, like I’m somehow being judged as less-than when I admit my humanity to the patient administrative assistant who I’ve dragged into my mess. The number one flaw of a perfectionist is her inability to forgive herself for being a mere mortal. 

It seems like the past few days everything I touch spawns personal disaster, so this perspective by one of my favorite HBR contributors, Peter Bregman, couldn’t have been posted fast enough. He challenges us to look at life as an  experience rather than performance.  Digesting this brought forward the revelation that I view nearly everything I do in my life as a performance.  It is Oscar time at the office, with year-end evaluations of all employees in full swing, a knot growing in my stomach as I brace myself for the feedback that will come when I inquire about my score which will most definitely be less than I want it to be because I expect nothing less than perfection. I will attend a party this weekend where conversation will inevitably turn to teenagers and grades and the future.  It’s nearly impossible not to compare my own to others.

The truth of the matter is when we stop worrying about how our actions look to, or are received by others, stop looking for accolades and appreciation for our performances; we’re able to begin enjoying the moments we’re living through. If I look at my experience at the board meeting the other day rather than evaluate my performance there, it becomes so much more.  I met at least six new women; I learned about an aspect of our business I have limited exposure to;  I gleaned who at the table is passionate about this cause in the same way I am; I understood how I need to reframe my ideas next time to be as influential as possible.  How is that not a positive result?

Bregman’s words are inspiring me to take a different tack.  I’m going to cross-train, bringing my approach to running into other areas in life.  Running I approach wholeheartedly as an experience:  An opportunity to get outdoors on a regular basis, to find beauty in whatever elements Mother Nature puts out there on any given day, a chance to challenge myself on trails, hills and asphalt.  My companions patiently encourage me to take risks, making sure I acknowledge how far I've come.  None of this would have been possible for me if I felt like I needed to perform.  It is so easy to take risks because winning or even being close to the top is not an option for me.  I’ve decided to forego the investment in training,  accepting that my natural talent precludes me from excelling in this sport.  And it doesn’t matter.  Once the performance aspect is tossed aside it becomes amazingly easy to just be.

Wouldn’t it be great to let go like this everywhere in life and just fly?

Excerpt from my 2013 Sketchbook

Inculcation

I may be the only person who doesn’t mind an occasional flight delay once in a Blue Moon.  Of course this applies only if I happen to be in an airport with a really good bookstore. My last great find was in December on a trip to San Francisco.  Austin Kleon’s “Steal Like an Artist” caught my eye.  An easy read with lots of graphics, I am enamored with his theory that there are no original ideas and an individual artist’s interpretation of the work of another becomes her own unique art.

When my boys first started painting I was perplexed by their process, sourcing artwork on the internet for cutting stencils.  Why they aren’t using their own drawings caused me to wonder.  After reading Kleon’s book I started watching their work closely, beginning to notice the nuances in a single drawing.  Like a puzzle, positive and negative space needs to be negotiated, along with the myriad of stylistic decisions the artist makes in choosing where to cut. The simple, two-dimensional clip art is altered geometrically with each slice of the exacto, each layer of spray paint, each color, speckle or drop landing on canvas, wood, metal or glass.  I’ve developed a whole new appreciation for their work which offers interpretations as vast as the Milky Way.

I came across this piece on Kleon’s Tumblr blog the other day and it piqued my interest:  http://tumblr.austinkleon.com/post/41121223410 Its further proof of his concept, as the artist he is referencing creates his own work from paintings he finds in thrift stores. What I like even more though, is the observation this artist made when he exposed his friends to these pieces.  Here he thought the thrift store art was no big deal, just another tangent he was sent on by his creative mind. His friends thought otherwise, which was the catalyst to move his pieces out of his studio and into a public space.

As an artist it feels really risky to put your work out there.  Many of us suffer from a lack of confidence.  Art is subject to judgment and people can react very strongly.  We want our work on exhibit, but we lack courage to knock on the doors of the very places we want to step inside.  This leaves lots of us with studios full of a multitude of iterations of some cool concept we thought up, but we’re not sure is good enough for the masses. And it’s not just art that’s like this.  It’s any gift or passion we house that we feel really strongly about.  When it’s that personal, it’s tough to get it out there in the light of day.

After spray on the drawing board -- N8

But it’s really important to let someone in or, in today’s world of boundless social media outlets, to put your work out there, even if it’s only in some small way.  Because today, more than ever, it’s even easier for your passion to catch the eye of the person who can help you change your world.  Before you know it, the very people you seek to impress may come knocking on your door looking for you.  What have you got to lose?

Plenipotentiary

The gem of the day, found in yesterday morning’s Twitter feed, is a short how-to asking the question Why Aren't You Delegating? The great leaders in the workplace that I know personally do this really well.  After spending some time last week with one of them, a female colleague sharing her frustrations about the lack of any division of labor at home, I’m looking at this issue of delegation from a different vantage point.   What would happen if women practiced delegation at home?

As women, we’re the leaders on the home front, responsible for operations. As the COO of a double-income household of white collar professionals in their mid-forties, a woman is likely managing an annual budget in six figures. And she spends little time in the environment she’s responsible for, with an 8 hour workday, plus 1 -2 for her commute.  Yet she operates under an extremely inefficient service delivery model doing nearly everything herself.  No leader in her right mind would ever run her team at the office in this manner, yet this is what is going on in the majority of households.   Looking at this situation from a purely business perspective, this is not a viable model.  So why is it that the overwhelming majority of tasks associated with managing the upkeep of these facilities and their inhabitants fall on the woman?   And more importantly, why are these strong, confident women unable to change behaviors at home?

Part of it is innate; along with bearing and caring for children comes ownership of the nest.  Women have been socialized to believe that all operations at home require their loving touch, and that in some way sub-contracting this work signifies we care more about our careers than our families.  Delegating operations at home, instead of being viewed as a more efficient way of doing things, is misinterpreted as prioritizing work over family which is still widely received as socially unacceptable for women.  What woman wants to be accused of neglecting her family to pursue interests in the business world?  Because of this stigma, women have simply added work to their plates, unable to shed tasks at home.  This leaves us with a bunch of frustrated women attempting to balance work and life, wondering why their spouses don’t seem the least bit willing to help out.  In fact, many women have trouble even broaching this topic because they may discover that their spouse’s solution uncovers a startlingly selfish and contemptuous truth, that many men would rather have their wives sacrifice their careers, cutting back to spend more time at home, than pitch in themselves, or even invest in out-sourcing to enable a woman to pursue her passion.  What woman wants to give up an interesting, creative and challenging job to spend more time at the washing machine?

The path to change begins with how you see yourself:  Start viewing yourself as the leader that you are and determine how you’re going to make yourself replaceable at home.  Why?  Because great leaders recognize that their job is to teach through delegation. According to the HBR post, "Your most important task as a leader is to teach people how to think and ask the right questions so that the world doesn't go to hell if you take a day off," says Jeffrey Pfeffer, the Thomas D. Dee II Professor of Organizational Behavior at Stanford University's Graduate School of Business.  Ladies, this applies at home, too. If we continue to do for our families, we model the very behavior pattern we’re trying to break, the pattern that we need to break if there is ever going to be gender equity in the workplace. 

If you’ve got teenagers, like I do, you have a built-in labor pool in dire need of developing the very skills you wish to unload. I admit, they are likely not top talent in terms of skillset or aspirations, but I bet your situation bears an eerie resemblance to this statement in the HBR blog, directed toward the workplace:  "A classic sign of insufficient delegation is that you are working long hours and feel totally indispensable, while your staff isn't terribly energized and keeps strangely regular hours," says Carol Walker, the president of Prepared to Lead, a consulting firm that focuses on developing young leaders. Are you wondering how you might influence this sullen and apathetic brood?  The answer lies more in changing your own perspective and expectations than in attempting to motivate your workforce.

While we obviously can’t put our husbands or children on performance plans, and they are not going to be motivated by the same rewards our teams at the office are, nor will they call us out if we fall back into our old ways, what we can control is how we look at this situation.  So how do you make this happen?

Look at your operation in detail.  What needs to get done to keep the household running and who currently owns the task?  Don’t be discouraged by the black and white reality that most will have your name beside them.  Prioritize.  What needs to be touched by you; what do you absolutely love doing and don’t wish to give up?  These items stay on your list. What could be out-sourced, either to your team at home or a third party should be delegated.   Have a discussion with your family to communicate the reorganization you are implementing in your household.  Explain why and how roles and responsibilities are changing.  Keep a strictly business approach.  You are doing nothing more than resetting expectations on how this household will run.  This happens every day at the office, and you have no problem communicating the message there.

Once you start delegating, you really do need to let go.  This is the most painful part of this type of change, no doubt. You’ll need to accept that mistakes will be made, the quality will be lacking and speed will likely not meet your current expectations.  But remember, these people are learning. According the blog post,  "If you want people to learn, you have to permit them to make mistakes and figure out how to correct them," says Pfeffer. If you micromanage, you've missed the point. 

Be prepared:  Your home may no longer look like Martha Stewart Living.  Cereal may not be just for breakfast anymore. You may not be represented at every parent-teacher conference.  Teenage boys may leave the house in dirty clothes more often than you’d like.  But they will all figure it out. And here’s what happens in the process:  If you keep on your plate the vital few tasks that define your home as a haven for you, and let go of the rest, you’ll have more guilt-free time to pursue your passions.  Your crew will absolutely grumble for a while, count on it. But aren’t you the one living in silent (or not so silent) contempt right now because all of the responsibility is sitting in your lap? Isn’t your happiness as important as that of those you love?  I say yes.

Retrospect

“Girl, you’ve been given gifts.  Use them.”  If you guessed that these words were uttered by a father to his daughter, you’d be right.  I don’t know the whole story behind them, but I imagine I can hear the vexation in this man’s voice as he admonishes his pride and joy for her inability to see in herself what is so clearly evident to him.  And so it goes for all of us, especially in our youth. 

I nodded my head profusely throughout this entire Forbes blog post highlighting advice successful businesswomen give to millennials, the generation in the latent stages of their careers:   http://www.forbes.com/sites/sherenejoseph/2013/01/12/advice-for-millennials-from-power-women/?utm_campaign=fwtwittersf&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social  Do the words ring true?  No question.  Are these young women at a point in their lives when they can hear them?  Probably not. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are always exceptions to the rule.  But this isn’t meant to be a criticism of this young generation, either.  It’s more like a very real illustration of how wisdom spawns from living life, and the undeniable truth that you can’t rush experience.

How can young women possibly be ready to hear these words?  I remember vividly how it felt to be in my first job out of college. I scanned the want-ads in the newspaper to source opportunities. When I interviewed with the owner of the small business who made the job offer to me, I was humiliated to be asked upon my acceptance if I had taken into consideration how long my commute would be.  My salary was paltry because I lacked the confidence to negotiate with this man who treated me like a little girl. I needed a job, which to me translated into taking what I was offered. It was probably one of the most powerless situations I’ve ever been in.   

Are today’s women more poised, mature and better prepared to enter the workforce?  I’m sure they are.  But I’d be willing to bet that very few of them have a clear vision of where they want to go, can articulate all of their strengths, or have the confidence to mold a role to fit them. Nor should they. At this point in life most haven’t even begun to explore all that they’re capable of.  

Interestingly enough, I find this advice really resonates with me now, twenty-six years into my career.  I’m finally at a point where I’m confident enough to wield the power I possess to drive my own career.  It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve come to understand I don’t need to follow the predetermined path, but I literally had to come to the end of that path for this reality to sink in.  Having held jobs that were less than fulfilling, I have a real need now to do meaningful work, and can turn down assignments when I don’t believe I can make a difference.

Being the parent of teenagers, I fully appreciate the futility and frustration that come when counsel falls on deaf ears. The years finally gifting me with hindsight, recalling the many times I sat across the table myself on the receiving end of sage advice from a valuable mentor attempting to deliver a message I simply could not hear.  

Augur

I like to lead, so when a recent invitation to head up a committee left me with mixed emotions I was puzzled.  Our focus is a topic I’m passionate about, but I found myself becoming impatient during the goal setting, feeling that our group has really low expectations in terms of what we can accomplish.  Frustration welling up and unable to pinpoint the source, I held my tongue during the meeting, hanging up the phone with serious reservations about taking this on. 

With some time to think it’s become evident that the group is probably right to corral me.  We’re in the inaugural year of this organization.  There are no shoes to fill, no precedents set, no real metrics to hit (or crush); any achievement will likely be well-received. Under-promise and over-deliver, right?   But still . . .

The problem, I’ve decided, is that I’m a visionary in this area. While the work my team is doing is admirable, will be clamored for by those invited to experience it, and appreciated by all who embrace it, in my mind it doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. It feels a little like yesterday’s news and so it’s not where I want to spend my time.  But it’s exactly where I need to spend to my time. 

Where I’ve landed on this is that by taking it on I’ll grow in some very important areas.  Up to this point most everything I’ve been responsible for in my career has had my fingerprints all over it. This opportunity offers the chance for me to experience what it’s like to be completely hands-off, to truly allow the team to own absolutely everything.  I have no doubt they will be successful; they are a group of wildly enthusiastic, take-charge individuals. 

I’m looking forward to where this will take me as a leader, because I see now that by being at the helm of this piece of work, even though it’s not my vision, I will build the credibility I need to move my vision forward. 

Ironically, this is the very same place I’m moving into with child-raising.  Recent events have helped me to recognize that it’s time to step way back, allowing my oldest to own his successes and failures. It’s not an easy place to be, but it’s the right place. 

It never fails to surprise me that just when I think I’ve reached the highest branch and there is nowhere else to expand, or stretch, or grow, another one materializes.  


Fait accompli.  Next stop Brooklyn.

I’m ready to mail my sketchbook to the Brooklyn Art Library, proud to contribute another piece of work to their global crowd-sourced art project, The Sketchbook Project 2013.  A synopsis of all of the new places I took myself last year, documenting this work in such a highly personal way is also revealing new frontiers for 2013. 

I can’t wait to get on board.    

Cusp

With the submission deadline for my contribution to Art House Co-op’s 2013 Sketchbook Project just days away, the blog is taking a backseat to my art.  As I allow this creative work to consume me, I can’t help but relate to this story about Nathan (no, not my Nate), but another extraordinarily talented Nathan who is making money pursuing his passion sculpting in legos:     http://www.fastcocreate.com/1682144/making-lego-into-art-nathan-sawayas-impossible-brick-sculptures?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+fastcompany%2Fheadlines+%28Fast+Company%29#1

After spending some time in a dual role, his decidedly pedestrian career by day and artwork nights and weekends, the catalyst he needed to make the leap to fulltime artist presented itself.  Reading the story it dawned on me that I’m in that very same place right now.  At any moment the stars could align and I could find myself fully immersed in the business of doing what I love.  How cool is that?

This year’s sketchbook is an atlas, documenting the course I charted for myself in 2012, delving into my interests in art, writing, love, leadership and running.  Here’s a sneak peek:

Evolution of a self-proclaimed writer. . .