Refulgent

I have spent most of my life going where other people wanted to take me.  Fresh out of college, I set off for California, not because I had a burning desire to blaze a new trail for myself, but because I was following someone else on his own adventure.

I got married, not because I particularly wanted to, but because I felt like I was only allowed my somewhat gypsy lifestyle for a finite period of time before I needed to get down to the real business of living.  People were beginning to ask questions about where it was all leading to, being obsequious and without a good answer, I followed the norm.

For years, my career followed a prescribed path.  I worked hard, head down, and took my position on the next rung of the ladder when I was tapped on the shoulder. I accepted whatever amount of money I was offered in exchange for my exceptional work.  Although I sometimes went home and cried about it, I accepted it nevertheless.

I remember vividly the look of shock and surprise I gave a mentor years ago when I was forced to contemplate a career move on my own and he asked me what I wanted.  I was speechless.  What?  I actually get to choose?  Are you kidding me?

It has taken me several more years to thoroughly grasp the magnitude of the power I have to make things happen for myself. To move from follower to leader of my own life required that I experience some tremendous failures, both personally and professionally. 

We can wallow in our mistakes and blame other people.  We can feel sorry for ourselves.  We can say we’re stuck and wait for the next person to come along, pull us out, and take us where he wants to go.  Or we can decide for ourselves and take the lead.

The difference for me is that I now fight for the good. Always.  Even when situations seem impossibly black, I search for the tiniest glimmer of light. It might take me a while to find it.  I might take a quick detour for a moment of self-pity. But I don’t stop. I fight for the good.

Sometimes it is to my detriment.  Maybe this is a naïve approach. Maybe I am occasionally taken advantage of.  Maybe I give people too much credit.  But, you see, looking for the good keeps me moving through life.  If I can’t see the good, I can’t find my own power when I need it most.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, sweat beading on my brow.  Am I really raising two teenage boys on my own?  Do I really have a job where I’ve led hundreds of people and managed millions of my clients' dollars?  Am I really giving advice to other women on how to move their careers forward when it seems like just yesterday I didn’t know how to do that for myself?

The answer is yes.  Yes I am.

At the risk of falling into a rut quoting the same guy in two consecutive blog posts, I’m quoting da Vinci again: "People of accomplishment rarely sit back and let things happen to them.  They go out and happen to things."

Now that I can make things happen for myself, I am going to go out and happen to things.