Plenitude

I’m visiting my financial planner this week.  I hope I recognize him. 

It’s been years since we’ve been together.  My fault, maybe partially, but I would have expected better client service from him.  While we haven’t talked, I have been acting on his advice and I think I’m doing all the right things:  Investing the maximum into both my individual retirement account and my 401K, collecting my employer’s matching contribution, tucking money away in an emergency fund.  But I’ll admit I’m clueless when it comes to projecting how much money I’ll need to live my life when I’m not afraid to show the world my gray hair, or knowing, even, when I can safely stop going to the office every day without fear of living in a cardboard box.

I’m fortunate to have a thriving, successful career, and I feel like I’m just hitting the heart of my earning years.  Yet I’ve never been able to imagine myself wealthy.  Yes, I know, this is the kiss of death.  It’s common knowledge that if you can’t picture yourself achieving something you never will.  But I honestly can’t see coffers of money in my future.

Compensation, for me, has almost always been a disappointment.

I think some of it has to do with weariness with what feels like the hundred-year war I’ve waged, as most women have, over inequities around money.  Like many, I put myself in a hole early on by not negotiating salary fresh out of school.  By the time I woke up and realized I should be advocating for myself, the gap had grown to a chasm. When I spoke up, my audience either didn’t want to hear it, or didn’t know how to handle it.  I was told  “your time will come”, “you’re writing your ticket”, “just finish this project”.  When I asked point blank if I was standing in a line waiting my turn, I was told yes.

I really thought things would change for me a few years ago when I won the leadership role on an epic, career-defining project.  I never worked harder in my entire life.  The hours were insane.  We needed to figure out how to get work done in countries and cultures I’d never set foot in. There were delays and indecision at every turn, but never a change in the deadline.   The stress was unbelievable. And sadly, the closer I got to the finish line, the more evident it became that completing this monumental feat would never net rewards commensurate with the time I invested.   

From where I sit today, I finally feel like I have been heard, but I wonder if it is too late for me. Am I so far behind I can never catch up? 

I’m past the age where an advanced degree will net a reasonable return on investment.  At this point, my experience is worth more.  In some ways this is a relief.  Putting kids through college, and also finding the resources and time to put myself through school too seems daunting.   I’m happy to finally be done wrestling with this and put it to bed.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and about what money means to me.  I value security above all else. And I want to be as precise as possible when it comes to aligning effort with reward.  I’m working to get all of my eggs out of one basket.  Not because I’ve given up negotiating for what I believe I’m worth, but because you never know what life will send your way.       

I would like to retire eventually from Corporate America as I know it today.  But I don’t know if I’ll ever be out of the workforce. It’s not the same world my parents lived in.  Very few spend an entire career at one company, retiring at 65 with a nice pension and paid insurance.  Many people change fields completely over the course of a lifetime and make money from multiple sources.

I’m pursuing areas of interest to me and looking at them through the lens of profitability, with the intent to diversify.  I want the freedom that comes with knowing I could walk away from any one endeavor without my whole world falling apart.  I know it is short-sighted to think I ‘m guaranteed the ability to care for myself for the rest of my life, but for right now, based on what my current level of wisdom will afford me,  I plan to be self-sufficient for as long as possible. 

What do I want my next career to be?  I know I want it to be something completely flexible, so I can live full-time at the quaint beach house I expect to someday own.  I want it to be something creative because I picture myself in a sunny studio surrounded by all of my favorite things. 

Hmmm.  Wealth to me looks like being able to support myself pursuing my dreams, whether they are terribly profitable or not.  My financial planner better be ready to work this week or he may find himself looking for another client.