Monday, May 25, 2015

Ovation

The music announces itself with a decidedly ethnic feel.  But it’s not until the final curtain that I give a second thought to the extent the performance is steeped in the minority:  In gender, in race and in culture.  I’m absorbed in the message; the actors are quite talented.
 
Exiting, we strike up a conversation with the woman who collected our tickets at the door.  She’s taken with the story herself, and echoes our sentiments that it’s too bad more were not in the audience to experience this work.
 
He and I spend many weekends over the past year exploring tiny theaters across the city.  The venues are intimate; the sets often quite bare; the performances brave, raw and sometimes shocking. I’m a little surprised by how many of these enclaves are cloaked in ordinary storefronts, surviving on little more than the passion of artists practicing their craft.

He questions whether the sparse attendance has anything to do with the segment of the population this playwright examines in her tale. Maybe this piece of work doesn’t draw the theater-going masses?  It makes me think about measures:  Range and capacity and sheer volume. While the message of this story is universal, do too many lack the capacity to relate to the actors?   And I wonder:  In a world that measures success by sheer volume, can we hold ourselves true to authentic, soulful work when its range of appeal is limited?

Most businesses exist to grow, and the pressure to do so is enormous.  The temptation to take on every prospect falling in the path can be irresistible; whether they share our values or comprehend our message somehow seems less important.  In the quest for more, our brands are watered down, our products altered or cheapened; we become less of ourselves.

This playwright could choose to allow changes to the color of her characters’ skin or a mainstream genre of music to transition her scenes.  But her story wouldn’t be the same.  Re-told within the bounds of the patriarchy or a more homogenous culture, so much of her message, so much of her onlyness, is lost.
 
What if we, like she does, choose to focus on the work that most closely represents our values and our true selves?  It’s not going to look like anyone else’s work, that’s what makes it our best. The trail is being paved. In today’s connection economy, the diversity in our world becomes harder and harder to ignore, and with it the need to conceal our onlyness lessens.

I love that these tiny venues for creative expression exist. I imagine the thrill of a dream realized when a production hits the stage. While the rich performances delivered will be seen by fewer, I like to think more artists will feel empowered to bring their most intimate work into being because there are places where they can. How can the bar not be raised?

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Derby

I never wanted to be domesticated, that much is clear to me now, but I don’t ever remember feeling trapped, just uncertain. Running free never crossed my mind as an option. Did I ever even allow myself to dream?

Maybe I was just looking for time and space?  Time to sort out, not who I wanted to be in this world, but who I thought I could be; and the space to ascertain this, free of the bridle I was sure those around me were fitting for my head. Without this insular time, I couldn’t get past debilitating limits, let alone imagine endless possibilities.  I never allowed myself to see the cheerleaders in my life as anything but soothsaying derailers.

So I did what I thought I was supposed to do, if someone else mapped out my course, even better. On the outside I looked like I was doing all the right things.  On the inside, unhappiness melded into the way of life.

I possess chameleon-like capabilities; I can blend in to any situation, quickly assessing who I need to be in every environment and adapt to my surroundings.  I can be whoever I think others need me to be. I'm not afraid to speak my mind, but if I deem the risk of standing out to be dangerous, I know how to change my colors. I wonder now if this is a good thing, because inside I’m the wild horse not to be tamed.
  
It’s not a question anymore of not knowing.  I finally secured my space and time to imagine the possibilities, and to decide not only who I can be, but who I want to be, who I am. Yet, I can still be blind to my cheerleaders.

It leaves me in a diametric quandary:  The acute fierceness of someone who knows exactly what she wants, pitted against the reticent fear going after it will disappoint me, somehow leading to rejection or failure. I’m uncomfortable bursting out of the gate, but, wow, do I want to run this race.

My 50-year old self, the creative thinker who wants nothing more than the time and space to practice her craft, the opportunity to shape outcomes and empower people along the way, understands she can’t move fast enough when it comes to leaving her own insecurities in the dust.
 
It is never about me, but it is always about me.

The thing is the fear causing us to linger at the starting gate is made up in our heads.  When we can banish it, we’re able to be clear about our intentions, our expectations, to say out loud, with abandon, without apology exactly what it is we want.  And when we express our desires, our cheerleaders not only come into focus, they shine a blinding light on the path ahead.

It’s post time.  Are you ready to run? 

Nosh

The headline reads "The one nutrient that is missing in nearly every diet." I know it’s a trite grabber, yet I’m sucked in regardless. It’s going to be something like chia seeds or edamame, I tell myself.  I can’t help it, though, curiosity is killing me. I need to know, if only for reassurance. Surely I’ve got this whatever-it-is; it’s everyone else who is missing out.

When we think about what nourishes us, the place we go immediately is food.  Our bodies run on this fuel; they don’t allow us to function without for long. Our stomachs rumble, our heads ache, and our patience plummets. This author; however, is thinking a little differently.  She challenges that self-love is the essential nutrient none of us seem able to feed ourselves. Ahh, I say to myself, of course, I completely understand how we could all be starved.

When described in these terms, “an essential nutrient”, I ‘m forced to pause.  This is a constant battle for me.  It goes way beyond looking in the mirror and thinking I need to diet or exercise more. Not a day goes by when I don’t catch myself beating myself up for thoughts, words or actions I could easily forgive in another.  We’re unbelievably hard on ourselves, and it’s hurting our health.

I think many of us don’t even realize we’re self-love deprived.  It’s become ingrained in our being, a way of life, a conversation we are so used to having with ourselves we can’t see it needs to change. So how do you know self-love is missing from your diet?

He tells me “should” is a word we need to eradicate from our vocabularies.  It’s an unsettling feeling, draining us of energy, a catalyst for ceaseless rumination  about taking action, not necessarily because we want to or even need to, but because we believe it’s expected of us. The irony is this expectation is self-created and held by no other. If you hear yourself using “should” I bet you could use a serving of self-love.

Do you ever find yourself, after an encounter with another or a presentation to a group, picking apart your part in the experience?  It’s worse than any performance review a manager could ever give.  Do you completely ignore what you did really well to allow for more energy to concentrate on what you felt could have been better?  Probably calls for a hit of self-love.

For many of us, it seems impossible to ingest the recommended daily dose of this vital nutrient.  But what I’m learning is being aware of the signs of this deficiency is half the battle.  I may never consume enough without a conscious effort, but I’m sensitive to the hunger pains, and not afraid to nibble on a little self-love. 

Monday, April 27, 2015

Consigliere

We all know her; she positively glows in the limelight.  She can’t wait to get in front of the group, completely energized by the thought of being “on”. By day her schedule regularly includes travel to shake hands and kiss babies; few know she’s up nights worrying about hitting the numbers. She’s the last person I want to be, and up until as recently as last week, the person I thought I had to be if I want to reach my full potential.
 
I’m seeing things differently these days, thanks to some enlightening training and a relevant piece, courtesy of Fast Company, asking the question "What if second became the new first in leadership?"  You mean I can still be an ambitious and courageous leader as someone’s number two?

Contrary to popular belief, great leaders are not well-rounded.  They all possess their own unique mix of strengths.  Strengths, for the purposes of leadership, are defined as activities that energize us; we’re good at them AND we like them. The best number ones know they can’t be great at everything.  They enjoy spending their time in the spotlight, revel in being where the buck stops, and surround themselves with a team of skilled advisors; equally solid and respected leaders possessing complementary strengths.

Yet it can be hard sometimes, when you know you’re smart and capable enough to be number one, to accept that you’re really happier as a number two. We’re a society conditioning ourselves to question whether something is wrong if we aren’t striving to be first.  We’re all supposed to want to keep climbing, until we can’t climb anymore. We don’t’ drop out; we go until we’re taken out. But does every person who secures the top spot really enjoy it?  I’m beginning to wonder.

I used to look at the rung above the one I stood on at any given moment and think, I need to take another step because there is something up there that scares me, and I need to prove I’m capable of conquering it. It didn’t matter whether I thought I would like the next role, it was all about demonstrating I could do it.

Now I look at the next rung and ask myself if what’s required of the role energizes me or deflates me.  Will I spend the majority of my time doing what I love?  Can I remain my authentic self or will I need to become an actress to pull it off?
 
Not only do I not need to pursue it, I’ve got no business being number one. I’d just be getting in the way of those besotted baby kissers who can’t wait to get on it and are far better at it than I am.  Besides, who will think big picture, shape the future and make a difference for those around her?

Atlas is shrugging. Who knew it would feel so good to grant myself permission to be myself?

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Ampersand

“I’m an “and” kind of guy.”  He articulates this to me more times than I can count; in response to a statement or lament I express involving the assumption I need to sacrifice, shroud or surrender pieces of myself in order to be accepted. It’s the notion of relinquishing a little bit of our true selves in order to assimilate into what we think others are expecting us to be he is adamantly attempting to evict from my vernacular.
 
God love him.  This is a reflex predating my earliest memory.  I don’t know if it affixes to the X chromosome, or is nurtured to fruition in the obsequiousness of a first-born daughter, to be permanently cemented with the inherent selflessness of motherhood?  Maybe this bias is not even gender-specific?  Whatever it is, it’s limiting and serves no practical purpose.

We’re all multi-dimensional, yet how many people in our lives do we actually allow to embrace this fullness?  We carefully dole out facets of ourselves, methodically matching to each different audience only what we deem they can bear.  I’m not sure how this happens, but in this practice we become really good at compartmentalizing our lives, so good in fact, the prospect of uniting all these selves for another to experience becomes a source of anxiety.  What will my corporate colleagues say about me upon reading my blog posts or viewing my art?  Will this wonderful man in my life think differently about me after we attend a business function together?  How will my kids, having grown up with a single mom, react to me with a partner? 

Who hasn’t witnessed or lived this at the office, believing the requirement is to sequester for long hours, pretending family commitments don’t exist in order to demonstrate loyalty and the ambition to get ahead?  It can seem impossible to live the “and” life.  Many of us fold immediately, presuming our only option is “or”, that we need to diminish or extinguish the importance of one area to prove we are truly committed to another. Or worse yet, we need to keep the different aspects of our lives completely separate, juggling in a vacuum.

I think about moving to “and” in two ways:  It’s about trusting the tribes who are part of our divergent interests and who may each know us a little differently will amalgamate when needed. And it’s also about believing each of those stakeholders, be it our kids, our partners or our bosses, will still love, support and value us when time in another area of our lives takes us away.

While the transformation into an “and” kind of girl is not quick or easy for me, I’m finding a remarkable phenomenon occurs when you allow it; not only do you create capacity for more of what matters, but in the process become more interesting and valuable to the people who matter.

To the “and” kind of guy in my life: Thank you for an epic Year One. XO

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Bibliogenesis

As I walk from the gift shop to the gate, I can’t decide if I should pat myself on the back or kick myself in the ass.  I’ve opted to return to the shelf an intriguing paperback I study intensely, killing time before I board my plane. Not one to pass up an opportunity to grow my library, I make my choice in a moment of proud frugality but can’t shake the feeling there is more in this book for me than the rich content its captivating title promises.  What can I glean from how this young author, Marina Keegan (who lived only twenty-two short years), is able to package her work in the vessel my yearning heart covets?  The covers which sandwich "The Opposite of Loneliness" not only exude praise for relatable, wise writing, but outline the string of small publishing victories this author fought for before winning the big prize.

I’m wallowing in my own stuckness again, a familiar cesspool where I routinely swim whenever a few hundred of my most talented colleagues converge on an exquisite desert resort for networking, learning and awards.  Who can be in a setting like this and not compare herself to at least one other person?  Who hasn’t spent at least a minute or two feeling small while rubbing against some big shoulders?  I’m a trainer, not a trainee, and yet I’m reminded of all there is I don’t know, and maybe more importantly, all I’ve forgotten.
 
It’s a surprising statistic, but a full 50% of adults in America are contemplating not just a job change, but a career change. Wow!  How can so many be so far off base?   Seems there are a lot of us questioning our passion for our jobs, wondering if maybe we belong somewhere else, but what we do today seems so different than what we dream of doing tomorrow we can’t even begin to chart a path in another direction.  We think in one enormous step, instead of considering a series of small ones.  And we end up making no move at all because such a giant leap is just too scary to contemplate.

My brief encounter in the airport with “The Opposite of Loneliness” reminds me the road to a book often includes stops along the way in magazines, journals, newspapers, social media and the internet. What happened to the “me” who posted to her blog 2-3 times a week, or the brave soul who submitted to and was rejected by the likes of “The Sun” and The New York Times “Modern Love” column?  How could I have forgotten my own studied logic?  More importantly, how have I allowed myself to abandon the regular practice of my craft and the joy this infuses into my life?

And as I begin to think small again, big ideas flow like a sluice.  Are we really so distant from our passions, I wonder, or are we just not being creative enough about how we might introduce them to our work? 

At the awards dinner last night I seek out and confide in a familiar face; I discover she wants to be a fresh advocate for me.  She volunteers to help me get unstuck, warning she’ll expect me to think out of the box. Is it possible to weave my writing into the profession I’ve honed and evolved over the course of nearly 30 years?  What if my career today could take me to my dreams for tomorrow? 

Surrounded by hundreds of energetic peers this week, I somehow find myself in a lonely place, questioning where someone with my talents, skills, hopes and dreams fits in. Ironically, the message I walk away thinking my organization wants to convey is that our business not only thrives on, but depends on the unique qualities each individual brings.  I can see now that space can be made right here for the real me; I just need to be brave.

The road to authenticity is an uncompartmentalized life. In the opposite of loneliness that is my conference I sometimes fail to remember we’re all scared of something. 

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Fraught

Winter stifles spring, captive in her clutches

A bud of fear weeps unrequited an unencumbered dream
 
If only our desire were enough to wake her up

It’s she who must unfurl herself, we mourn a sweet requiem