Whelm

I leave the details of the trip in the hands of another, so when he pulls a vanishing act and I find myself with an airline ticket and time off I decide I need to get a plan together.  Where exactly am I going?    I call a colleague who calls Marco Island home, telling him exactly what I want:  A nice hotel on the beach with access to restaurants and shopping within walking distance.  I don’t want to mess with a car, just a driver to get me to and from the airport.  About two minutes later in my in-box sit links to two resorts and two car services meeting my exact specifications.  Done.

 

I walk away a little mesmerized, quite honestly; completely satisfied, excited about my trip, and delirious over how wonderful my friend is, how he makes everything easy for me.  He feels special in my eyes in the way he cares for me.  But wait a minute; I think I’ve somehow played a role in this success story, yet I’ve neglected to acknowledge me.

 

It’s not rocket science, this idea that giving good direction, asking for what we want increases greatly the likelihood we’ll get what we want, but why is it that so many of us have a hard time with it? 

As women, our role is to take care of everyone else.  We routinely put ourselves last, staving off inanition, cobbling together from the table scraps of others only what we need to sustain ourselves. With our bellies always hovering around empty, it’s no wonder we aren’t living full lives.

 

For those of us raising kids and holding down demanding jobs we’ve become conditioned to apologize for not having the free reign men do to prioritize their careers over their family lives.  We’re either concealing the need for flexibility for fear of losing our jobs if our employers know what it really takes to juggle all this, or for those of us with the luxury of flexibility we’re just so grateful we don’t dare rock the boat by asking for anything else like, say, equal pay.

For some of us there is a little bit of the “be careful what you wish for” element.  If we’re so bold as to ask specifically and directly for what we need, like a salary increase or a promotion, what happens if we can’t deliver?  Have we now created more pressure to continually over-perform in the role in a perpetual state of proving we’re truly worthy of what we’ve requested? 

  

For me I know it’s been about feeling like a burden.  I like to be easy and adaptable, not too much trouble for anyone, because I think it guarantees I’ll be loveable.  If I’m too hard, if I’m too rigid, if I’m flawed, if I have wants and needs that require a little work, well, no one’s going to support those.  Maybe it’s been a little about self-worth, too?

Lately I’m opening my eyes, noticing something special in the individuals surrounding me. The important people in my life want to get it right.  They wait patiently for me when I’m running late; they listen closely for my unspoken knell, asking how they can help; they value my contributions, and upon hearing exhaustion or frustration in my voice they ask what needs to happen to keep me motivated, to keep us on the right path.  They want to know what makes me happy so they can deliver it; but I need to enable them by defining what exactly that is.

He says he wants to fill his cupboards with food that won’t just sustain me, but will nourish me.  If I tell him only that I like yogurt, I do him a disservice.  The chances of opening the refrigerator door to discover nirvana are one in a million. And somehow, even though it’s unfair, the disappointment of finding anything less will color my feelings for him.  But if I tell him unequivocally that I like the Greek variety, specifically Chobani, in the exotic flavors like pomegranate or pear he gets to exactly meet my need, and becomes nothing short of amazing in my eyes.

We need to speak up, not just so we can go about fulfilling our own needs, but so the individuals in our lives who value what we have to offer can be extraordinary in the part they play in supporting our happiness. I’ve heard it best described very powerfully as this:  “Unstated expectations are premeditated disappointments.”  Seems like this is an easy one to head off at the pass. Are you brave enough to ask for what you want?