Approbation

Her voice breaks as she elaborates on the story I’ve just summarized to explain why she is deserving of the recognition I announce to the team.  She “did it anyway” says the Everyday Bravery pin I present her with.  She held to her own moral compass and convictions, choosing to do what’s right instead of acquiescing to the client’s prejudice.  I’m struck by just how vindicated she feels to have stood her ground, to have this act noticed and celebrated.  

We call it managerial courage.  It’s demonstrated when someone is able to have the hard conversation, to speak up for what is just even when no one else is, to share the bad news in spite of the fact it may incite conflict, to admit to a mistake before it is discovered, to be the messenger who just might get killed. 

The concept of managerial courage extends far beyond the work of a manager. Hard conversations and hard situations are everywhere, every day, not just in our leadership at work, but in our relationships, our friendships, our parenting.  They are the choppy waters on the open sea disrupting the smooth sailing we think we’re entitled to.  And we like to avoid the choppiness at all costs.  Yet the windward souls who take on these encounters are so rarely recognized for their bravery. 

When I took the job I'm in today I felt ambushed by the number of hard conversations I was having.  They were presenting themselves multiple times a week.  I would tie myself up in a knot of anxiety, spending as much, if not more, time worrying about them than actually having them.  I thought if I planned out what I was going to say and anticipated what the other person would say I would feel more at ease.  But the reality is I felt worse.  No matter how much planning I did the one thing I could count on is the conversations would never go as expected.  I knew I had to either change my approach or change my job. 

My fever finally broke when I decided to accept that I was going to have a hard conversation every day.  I now make a practice of embracing them and as with anything I practice, I am getting better. I’m becoming acclimated to the business of exposing challenges and provoking tension in the name of positive change. 

“I am constantly amazed at how courageous and radical speaking the truth is.”  — Melissa Etheridge, singer/songwriter, activist

I shared this quote with my team of leaders when I added recognition of managerial courage to our regular team meeting agenda. As I reward them for their bravery and we start to dig into why straight talk is so hard I wonder if I am meeting my own high standards when it comes to initiating the hard conversations. While I’m ready to face them and more comfortable with my role I find there are some I’m still avoiding.  I’m questioning whether there are any limits on speaking truth.  Should we be able to broach any topic?  Am I being brave enough?

In the business world, the willingness to initiate hard conversations is tethered to our assessment of whether we’re putting our own jobs on the line or how empowered we believe we are to put a piece of business at risk. If we go out on this limb will anyone be there to catch us if we fall?   Telling a client about the dysfunction you see in his organization or sharing your assessment that his top leader is in over his head is dicey if your client hasn’t openly asked for such feedback.  Having those conversations could lead to the end of a business relationship.  But conversely could be the beginning of a trusted advisory.  It’s all in how you have the conversation. 

And that’s it really.  The preparation for a hard conversation isn’t laying out your exact words and scripting what you expect to hear in response, it’s in showing up with your perspective, a few really good questions, and an earnest desire to make things better. It’s in trusting you’ll be able to take the conversation in a healthy direction and create a safe place for your counterpart to let down his or her guard gracefully.  

The funny thing about hard conversations is they can be fantastically liberating. Every time I have one, even if it doesn’t go as well as I’d like, I am flooded with peace at having said my piece, to have put my position out there.  Hard conversations are the dam breaking. They move what’s stuck forward.  They plant the seed of reflection in those open to understanding.  Without them real change can’t happen.

 

The good feelings that come out of this type of genuineness really are enough; but I find calling out such authenticity and vulnerability inspires others to take the leap too. And is the spark I need to keep coming back for more.

Everyday Bravery pins, the brilliant creation of artist Emily McDowell, recognize that courage isn’t reserved for grand gestures, it’s mustered every day in moments that go largely unnoticed.  Don’t miss an opportunity to give yourself or someone you’re proud of some credit.