Attraversiamo

I spent the past few days, like most of us do with holidays, in this odd mid-week reprieve from the daily grind.  It’s almost like the world stops turning for a little while so we can all move into this unnatural state of being.  Even the local coffee shops close up, much to the disappointment of the runner who finished her five-mile Turkey Trot with visions of a leisurely walk home, warming her hands around a steaming cup. Electronics go into semi-retirement to make room for old-fashioned cooking that requires analogue equipment like ovens, stove-tops, and hand potato mashers. Our texts and tweets are replaced with face-to-face conversation in a cozy kitchen, often induced by social lubricants served in fancy glasses, meticulously measured (at least the first round anyway) and sprinkled with festive garnish. 

While a reprieve such as this is healthy, a lot of us don’t know what to do with it.  Many of us are tempted to use these days as catch up, thinking we may shrink our endless pile of deliverables both at home and at work if we stay in our regular routine, getting ahead so to speak when no one can add to our lists.  We are antsy, sneaking peeks at our phones to see if someone, anyone out there is communicating in our usual vernacular, some sort of sign that life as we know it still exists. Retailers sense that all of this stillness is aberrant to most, and capitalize on our weak state, boldly marching right up to the line, invading our holiday and taunting us with the slake of “Grey Thursday”.

This feeling, for me anyway, is not unique to holidays.  I am struggling with this same issue both in parenting and with my job.  Right now I find myself in a transformation, moving into oversight roles in both arenas.  My teams are fully capable of delivering outstanding work product without my constant intervention.  My teenagers want and need to take responsibility for many aspects of their lives. Whether I like it or not, others are now either filling my former roles outright, or moving into them, taking ownership of more and more of those tasks that I felt so comfortable and accomplished in doing.  Those things that defined me, that made my reputation, sealed my success, showcased my worth, fed my need to be appreciated.

Stripped of everything I know, I’m in a curious vacuum that sometimes is as painful as open wounds. I’m hesitant, for a whole host of reasons, to fill this space so my inaction renders me useless, as lost as those thrown into holiday mode in the middle of a work week.  I should be enjoying this, yet I can’t help but feel out of place.

Emptiness like this leaves me worn out with worry.  I’m almost afraid to fully fill my time with new pursuits.  Don’t I need to be available as a safety net for my people?  What if they get in some sort of trouble and don’t ask for help?  If I’m not around to notice this and swoop in to fix things, will everything fall apart?   So I spend my time dancing around beneath them like a spotter for circus acrobats, poised to catch someone who will likely never fall.

Holidays can be rough because the change is so abrupt.  We’re expected to switch gears completely and for a very short period of time.  Moving as quickly as the squeaking sound of shoes on a basketball court; we’re not in one place long enough to get truly comfortable. Of course we’ll be called for over and back. But in these other aspects of our lives, we have time to adjust. This is all good, really.  Our struggle, after all is in the crossing over. 

For me, I will know I have it right when I strike the balance in my new roles.  This means letting go of how tasks get done and instead focusing purely on the outcomes. It’s about staying engaged and informed enough to know when coaching and support is appropriate.  It’s about being open to different methods and empowering others to pursue them even if it’s not the way I would do it.  It’s relinquishing control.  It’s about being vulnerable with those that matter, for in knowing who I really am they can find strength in the little bit of something me that can’t help but find its way into them. 

Wouldn’t it be great to stop using my idle time worrying about how to protect my people from the negative consequences of their choices, to really believe that a mistake made by one of my charges is not a reflection on me, to know that while I may pay some price for a failure on my team, I will survive it?  If I didn’t spend my time in this limbo, think about the possibilities I could pursue, the places I could take myself.

And that’s just it.  I think I’ve been seeking this sort of freedom for so long, that now that it’s within in reach I’m afraid to grab it.  It feels a little, well, selfish.  Am I not abandoning my post, leaving my charges to flail on their own while I’m off doing what’s new and exciting to me?

I’ve decided I don’t think so.  At one point I loved intensely the tasks that others are now assuming.  It’s right that I get to move on, and this work is now done by someone else looking for his or her opportunity to shine, learning and making mistakes the same way I did. I’ve worked really hard to get to the place I’m at in life.  I’ve earned the right to pursue more.  And to enjoy it, trusting that my successors will live some of my values and take what they need from me to make the job their own.

The fact that we get ourselves to this place where we have more time to do what we love is a testament to our hard work, tenacity and focus.  Now it’s time to turn our idea of this place into reality.  And that’s what we need to do with holidays, too.  We all have some sort of picture in our minds of what this one day will be, of what this one life will be.  We also have the power to make it all that.