Eight at eight: This is how my friend Kathy and I have come to refer to our eight-mile Saturday morning runs launching at 8AM. We’re training for another Madison to Chicago relay this spring and need to build endurance. I come away from these 90 minutes voracious for food for my body, but sated by the food our dialogue provides for my soul. We cover the gamut of topics: Leadership, relationships, spirituality and she’s a good sport listening to the trials and tribulations of parenting even though they don’t apply to her.
Today we covered, among other things, the benefits of sharing our day-to-day work life with our loved ones. We’re both career-focused and driven, yet we’re mute when it comes to discussing at home what goes on at the office. Most of us, if we bring anything at all home, we bring our complaints: Those people who get under our skin, the amount of work piled on us, our questions about our perceived value relative to compensation. Successes might get a little air time, but only if they are monumental in nature like a promotion or a big bonus. Rarely do we talk about what it is we do or how we actually do it.
Over time a rift develops that takes a while to make itself known, but somehow an entire element of our being, one that commands much of our self-worth, disappears from the sight lines of those closest to us. Workaholics notice it in increased noise that follows an announcement they’ll be at the office late again, attending yet another dinner or packing a suitcase for business travel. Some notice it when they sit across the table from their spouse and realize they have nothing to talk about but the kids; work has become taboo. Many of us say our spouses won’t understand; or we rationalize it will take too long to get them up to speed. It’s just easier to leave this subject out of the conversation. What we fail to realize is that we’re missing a huge opportunity to strengthen our relationships by de-compartmentalizing our lives. Happier in our relationships, we’re more successful at work.
One of my all-time favorite business leadership books, “True North”, does a good job of explaining this phenomenon. HBR recently posted a blog with two powerful stories: Real Leaders Have Real Lives; it's worth a read.
Running with Kathy this morning I told my own story of how I recently solicited business advice from my sixteen year old. No, I haven’t lost my mind completely. Over the years I’ve shared stories with my boys about what I’ve learned from failures at the office, but I took it a step further to really engage my oldest. A captive muse in my car, I decided that asking him how he might handle a relatively simple business challenge might give me an idea as to whether or not any of the life coaching I provide sinks in or if I truly sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher when I open my mouth (listen here if you’ve forgotten her "Wah wah woh wah wah").
My question revolved around how I should talk to my manager about making a change in personnel on our team. His suggestion was that I have someone new in mind before I have the conversation so that I’m ready to act should we be in agreement. Impressed with the thought behind his suggestion, I responded that this makes a lot of sense, making sure to compliment him on his acumen. Part of my agenda is to help him believe he can make valuable contributions when he puts his mind to it. In the longer view, I’m teaching him how to interact with his future wife around her career.
I thought that was the end of it. A few days later we got in the car again and he asked me what happened with the discussion with my manager. I told him that I shared that we should make a change which was met with agreement. I was surprised when my son picked up on my word choice saying, “Mom, don’t say should make a change, say need to make a change.” Flabbergasted, I asked him to explain. He informed me that “should” is a suggestion, “need” is a necessity. Wow! Powerful stuff. (It makes me wonder if there isn’t something to the idea that males are innately programmed to speak in more definitive terms than women. But that’s a blog post for another day.) This is advice I am taking.
There is so much upside to sharing whatever it is you’re passionate about with loved ones, whether it’s your spouse or your teenagers. They get to be involved. It’s a proven fact that when your team understands what you do, what your goals are, they begin to see ways to support you, and engagement rises. Your spouse can begin to understand why a business dinner, trip or late night might be required; the part these extracurricular activities play in your ultimate success becomes evident. When those who love you believe they can contribute to your success, they become vested. And when they’re vested, your bond strengthens.
This is not rocket science, although it might feel like it because making this happen is hard. It’s about letting people in, allowing loved ones to feel pride in watching your success unfold and to live through your mistakes with you; it’s the scariest and most exhilarating thing you’ll ever do. It’s allowing those you love to love you. They deserve to experience how amazing you are at what you do. Why don’t you show them?
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