Vernal

Today the sun reached the First Point of Aries, crossing the equator, making the length of day and night almost equal everywhere on Earth.  This day went by, as many of them do, in a flurry of demands and deadlines. Incredibly busy, yet it can feel like nothing gets done.  The real work often comes at night when there is finally peace, quiet time to focus and let fresh perspective in, allowing answers to the biggest issues to find me. 

I’m in a place where I know I can add a ton of value, but the individual I’m meant to support doesn’t want my help, resents my very presence.  My experience is discounted, my expertise rebuffed, recommendations spurned, direction disregarded. Everything I have to offer feels unwelcome, every opening to diminish my position is exploited.

I know I need to address such blatant disrespect, but I’m struggling with the how. I’ve learned the hard way that confrontation in the heat of the moment can result in words that should remain unspoken, apologies never fully accepted, effects that reverberate beyond measure and regrets never quite put to bed.   

I also know that sometimes the message, no matter how carefully or compassionately arranged, simply can’t be heard.  Finding the words once is hard enough, when they are met with denial and deflection, demanding repeating, the best intentions derail quickly into a reversal of power where I find myself sputtering in helpless defense.  Wait, I’m the one in charge, right?

Yes, I am in charge I remind myself. I’m here to make sure we stay on the right track, that we don’t close doors that can’t be reopened, to protect those in no position to protect themselves. This is not about me.   

When I’m able to look past how all of this makes me feel and consider the feelings of uncertainty, pride and fear that might lurk behind the behavior of this unexpected nemesis, the way to handle this situation will make itself known. 

So tonight I’m searching my soul for some grace.  Maybe this equinox has come too soon.