Burnish

Our feet soaking in bubbly, warm water, the decision finally made about whether “A Good Man-darin is Hard to Find” or “Ladies and Magenta-men” will titivate our toes, we settle into a conversation about appreciation, and how so infrequently this free gift is shared with the countless individuals touching our lives.  I’m not talking just about a “thank you”, but the sentence or two following to explain what exactly it is we’re grateful for.

 

The guidance we receive as managers, when giving feedback both positive and constructive, is to articulate the precise behavior, quality or action so your direct report understands exactly what to do more of, or less of, and why. Lots of us are very experienced at getting extremely specific about what it is others, particularly our spouses or children, are doing wrong, but seldom do we put as much energy into praising what’s going right.

 

The way I see it there are lots of reasons to break into applause, and lately I’ve been working on letting it fly. This practice is proving to be prolific; here’s what I’ve learned:

Words of appreciation don’t cost a thing.  Not only are they a free gift, but you could argue the most valuable gift, right up there in MasterCard’s “priceless” category. We tend to think that we need to reward our employees with large bonuses, pay increases, trips and gold watches.  We wonder if we should pay our children for good grades. Yes, these material offerings are certainly valued, yet our most loyal employees are those who feel genuinely appreciated; their great work regularly acknowledged. And I’ve never met a kid bursting through the door after school to announce an “A” who didn’t bask in the ensuing glow of pride emanating from the thoughtful parent quick to connect the effort that went into studying with the desired outcome achieved.

When you’ve built a big bank of good will speaking up about strengths and those qualities you love in another, you create space for your constructive feedback to be welcomed and heard. It’s never easy to tell your employee you see a career-limiting gap in skills, or to sit a teenager down to address the consequences of his latest lapse in judgment, but it’s much easier to initiate those discussions when you’ve assured the person on the other side of the table through your frequent expressions of satisfaction that one mistake does not define him, or lower his value in your eyes.

People gravitate toward those who are free with their words of praise and delight.  You create energy, building self-esteem in the person you compliment, cementing relationships.  I’m forever indebted to the manager who once told me no one arranges a conversation better than I do. I don’t know if I would have ever put my finger on it if he hadn’t said it out loud to me. I draw on his observation constantly; when I’m nervous, doubting my ability to give a presentation, thinking of his words brings me the confidence I need to get back on track.  If nobody’s better than me at this, then of course I can do it! 

What you put out there comes back to you; it’s inevitable.  This might sound a little sappy, but since becoming open with praise for people at the office, I sense a subtle buzz around me.  I’m finding people seek me out; I’m noticing smiles seem brighter.  Maybe it’s just my own confidence building, but that’s the thing:  People receive you with greater joy when they know you think well of them.  And when you’re received positively, you naturally emote positivity.

 

So what’s the trick?  I don’t know the psychology behind it, or if there is any science involved, but to me expressing deep appreciation is an extremely emotional experience, another mode of putting ourselves out there. And putting ourselves out there means showing vulnerability, which is inherently hard for all of us.  Maybe it’s because deep down we all crave the unspoken love words of appreciation evoke.  Maybe it’s because we’re all too hard on ourselves, questioning whether we’re truly worthy of the praise another graces us with, so we know instinctively the sentiment voicing this to another will stir up inside.  All I know is that sometimes my eyes tear up when I’m telling someone what it is about them I absolutely adore, respect or love.

We leave the salon donning flip flops in the dead of winter, having swapped our appreciation stories, pledging the mindfulness to share more, and more often.  Maybe for a little inspiration we should have chosen “That’s Berry Daring” or “I Pink I Love You”.