Panoptic

Eight at eight:  This is how my friend Kathy and I have come to refer to our eight-mile Saturday morning runs launching at 8AM. We’re training for another Madison to Chicago relay this spring and need to build endurance.  I come away from these 90 minutes voracious for food for my body, but sated by the food our dialogue provides for my soul. We cover the gamut of topics:   Leadership, relationships, spirituality and she’s a good sport listening to the trials and tribulations of parenting even though they don’t apply to her. 

Today we covered, among other things, the benefits of sharing our day-to-day work life with our loved ones.  We’re both career-focused and driven, yet we’re mute when it comes to discussing at home what goes on at the office.  Most of us, if we bring anything at all home, we bring our complaints:  Those people who get under our skin, the amount of work piled on us, our questions about our perceived value relative to compensation.  Successes might get a little air time, but only if they are monumental in nature like a promotion or a big bonus.   Rarely do we talk about what it is we do or how we actually do it.   

Over time a rift develops that takes a while to make itself known, but somehow an entire element of our being, one that commands much of our self-worth, disappears from the sight lines of those closest to us.  Workaholics notice it in increased noise that follows an announcement they’ll be at the office late again, attending yet another dinner or packing a suitcase for business travel.  Some notice it when they sit across the table from their spouse and realize they have nothing to talk about but the kids; work has become taboo.  Many of us say our spouses won’t understand; or we rationalize it will take too long to get them up to speed.  It’s just easier to leave this subject out of the conversation.  What we fail to realize is that we’re missing a huge opportunity to strengthen our relationships by de-compartmentalizing our lives.  Happier in our relationships, we’re more successful at work.

One of my all-time favorite business leadership books, “True North”, does a good job of explaining this phenomenon. HBR recently posted a blog with two powerful stories:  Real Leaders Have Real Lives; it's worth a read.

Running with Kathy this morning I told my own story of how I recently solicited business advice from my sixteen year old.  No, I haven’t lost my mind completely.  Over the years I’ve shared stories with my boys about what I’ve learned from failures at the office, but I took it a step further to really engage my oldest.  A captive muse in my car, I decided that asking him how he might handle a relatively simple business challenge might give me an idea as to whether or not any of the life coaching I provide sinks in or if I truly sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher when I open my mouth (listen here if you’ve forgotten her "Wah wah woh wah wah"). 

My question revolved around how I should talk to my manager about making a change in personnel on our team. His suggestion was that I have someone new in mind before I have the conversation so that I’m ready to act should we be in agreement.  Impressed with the thought behind his suggestion, I responded that this makes a lot of sense, making sure to compliment him on his acumen.  Part of my agenda is to help him believe he can make valuable contributions when he puts his mind to it.  In the longer view, I’m teaching him how to interact with his future wife around her career.

I thought that was the end of it.  A few days later we got in the car again and he asked me what happened with the discussion with my manager.   I told him that I shared that we should make a change which was met with agreement.  I was surprised when my son picked up on my word choice saying, “Mom, don’t say should make a change, say need to make a change.”  Flabbergasted, I asked him to explain.  He informed me that “should” is a suggestion, “need” is a necessity.  Wow!  Powerful stuff.  (It makes me wonder if there isn’t something to the idea that males are innately programmed to speak in more definitive terms than women.  But that’s a blog post for another day.)   This is advice I am taking. 

There is so much upside to sharing whatever it is you’re passionate about with loved ones, whether it’s your spouse or your teenagers.  They get to be involved. It’s a proven fact that when your team understands what you do, what your goals are, they begin to see ways to support you, and engagement rises. Your spouse can begin to understand why a business dinner, trip or late night might be required; the part these extracurricular activities play in your ultimate success becomes evident. When those who love you believe they can contribute to your success, they become vested. And when they’re vested, your bond strengthens. 

This is not rocket science, although it might feel like it because making this happen is hard.  It’s about letting people in, allowing loved ones to feel pride in watching your success unfold and to live through your mistakes with you; it’s the scariest and most exhilarating thing you’ll ever do.  It’s allowing those you love to love you.  They deserve to experience how amazing you are at what you do.  Why don’t you show them?

Vernal

Today the sun reached the First Point of Aries, crossing the equator, making the length of day and night almost equal everywhere on Earth.  This day went by, as many of them do, in a flurry of demands and deadlines. Incredibly busy, yet it can feel like nothing gets done.  The real work often comes at night when there is finally peace, quiet time to focus and let fresh perspective in, allowing answers to the biggest issues to find me. 

I’m in a place where I know I can add a ton of value, but the individual I’m meant to support doesn’t want my help, resents my very presence.  My experience is discounted, my expertise rebuffed, recommendations spurned, direction disregarded. Everything I have to offer feels unwelcome, every opening to diminish my position is exploited.

I know I need to address such blatant disrespect, but I’m struggling with the how. I’ve learned the hard way that confrontation in the heat of the moment can result in words that should remain unspoken, apologies never fully accepted, effects that reverberate beyond measure and regrets never quite put to bed.   

I also know that sometimes the message, no matter how carefully or compassionately arranged, simply can’t be heard.  Finding the words once is hard enough, when they are met with denial and deflection, demanding repeating, the best intentions derail quickly into a reversal of power where I find myself sputtering in helpless defense.  Wait, I’m the one in charge, right?

Yes, I am in charge I remind myself. I’m here to make sure we stay on the right track, that we don’t close doors that can’t be reopened, to protect those in no position to protect themselves. This is not about me.   

When I’m able to look past how all of this makes me feel and consider the feelings of uncertainty, pride and fear that might lurk behind the behavior of this unexpected nemesis, the way to handle this situation will make itself known. 

So tonight I’m searching my soul for some grace.  Maybe this equinox has come too soon.

Auspicious

My body has not a drop of Irish blood coursing through it, yet last night I found myself celebrating with my favorite Irish couple at their annual gathering, grown women and men shooting chocolate-flavored liquor from dainty green miniature plastic mugs.  My intention to drink water and retire early; the reality is awaking in the guest room, bleary eyes and a tumbling mane of tangled tresses announcing to the world a stilted and truncated sleep.  Of course it was all worth it because we solved world hunger, conversing, debating, consoling and debunking until well after 4 AM.  I’m sure the birds were chirping somewhere underneath the din of our laughter and my tears. 

Talk somehow manages to turn intensely personal in the wee hours of the morning, and you’re never quite sure how you get there, but before you know it, you’re in it, and there’s no turning back.  This friend in particular always manages to usurp brutal honesty from me.  Even when I’m feeling really great about my situation, he makes me look into the dark corners that scare me, outing the demons preventing me from realizing my greatest desires. He pulls off their masks, grips my shoulders, turns me around so I’m standing squarely in front of them in a penetrating standoff.  Sometimes what I see makes me laugh for it’s obvious I’m being ridiculous. Other times I weep for the enormity of what I need to overcome.

When I evaluate my personal situation through the lens of my business world, I appear to be covering everything:   I’m coaching and developing my charges, increasing my revenue and watching the bottom line, even tending to my own personal growth. But I’ve got an open position on my team, the requisition languishing long past any acceptable fill-rate metric.  Instead of taking action to remedy, I’m taking on most of the responsibilities myself. Inevitably, critical components fall through the cracks, those which are clearly impossible for me to handle for obvious reasons.  It is this Achilles heel my perceptive and persistent friend seizes.

I pride myself on my team building skills, in fact shaping teams is a beloved aspect of my job. I believe in a measured balance when addressing openings.  To me it’s most important to find the right candidate, even if it means the position might be vacant a little longer than I’d like.  Because, after all, I’m going to invest in this person, and long after he leaves my assignment, I expect he’ll remain with the organization. I remember a request a while back to bring someone new on to my team.  Granted, it’s tough to find talent with the skillset in the geography we were targeting, but even when a qualified candidate surfaced, I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger.  When I consider that my inaction may be telling me something, what unveils is the awareness that I don’t believe we need to fill this role, that it’s already being done well by another, adding to the team seems redundant. 

Applying this line of thinking to the open position in my life brings the admission that I’m being undone by my own hesitation.  I notice I’ve been holding my breath for a really long time, shoring up the business of my life with limited resources, refusing to even ask for a new slate because past experience tells me filling this role will bring more work and little joy, still feeling bad that I had to choose to manage out the predecessor, an individual I was responsible for bringing on to the team in the first place.  Ouch.

Lucky girl.

This particular section of my glass ceiling is not coming down easily. I count myself lucky to have friends who care enough to go to this scary place with me, a place I expect I’ll need to revisit before I am looking at unfiltered blue skies.  It was Carl Sandburg who said “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”  Maybe I can start to breathe again.

Curia

The tradition around which the Roman Catholic Church shrouds the selection of a new pope is mystical. The idea of a group of decision makers behind the closed doors of the conclave debating candidates while an eager audience awaits a smoke signal in announcement of the results of the day’s work is a stark and welcome contrast to the competitive rush of today’s world, anodyne and analogue in this digital age. I like that this event is still newsworthy to a global society that appears to grow increasingly skeptical and secular with each passing day.  

As I absorb what the Wall Street Journal has to say about the newly appointed leader of the church, I can’t help but agree that there is not only power in the new pope's humility, but power in all of us when we display this lost virtue.

The strength that is borne from humbleness is immense.  A timely example showed itself this week when a cherished colleague of mine won a Champion of Excellence award for embodying the values and culture of our company over his 20-year career here.  This man is kind, thoughtful, calm, and brilliant.  He sits at the apex of his business, President of his group, at the highest executive level in our organization. Infused with integrity, he makes the right decisions even when it’s not the easy thing to do; he puts his people first. When my mother died he asked another colleague to deliver a heartfelt, handwritten note expressing his condolences and sharing a personal story of loss.  When I sent him a congratulatory note for his award, in his reply were words of appreciation for me and the work I do every day for our clients and people.  He is without a doubt one of the strongest men I know.

The idea of creating a wake has not left my mind since my manager painted this picture for me during last week’s discussion about moving my career forward. With the focus shifting from shoring up my own skills to influencing others, it signals affirmation that I am enough.  And when we believe, truly believe, we are enough we can tend to the needs of others with abandon. As leaders we have a responsibility to be people worthy of being followed. I’m conscious of the choices I have when leading my teams, clients and children; how I can advise instead of admonish, support instead of supplant, inspire instead of impress.  This is the power of humility.

I met up with another friend this week, a former teammate.  He glowed telling me how happy he is:  He’s spending more time at home with his family, less on the road for work, amazed at the rewards he’s reaping by investing in his relationship with his wife.  He’s challenged with his projects and his client loves him. He received a positive performance review, coupled with a surprising year-end bonus.  He says he’s got all this money in the bank now and can’t think of a single thing he’d like to buy. Somewhat bemused with this contentment, he asks if I think he’s in the right place, shouldn’t he be clawing his way up the corporate ladder? 

Why does it continue to surprise us that when we invest in others we bring joy to ourselves?  If I had to boil happiness down to the lowest common denominator, it would be the golden rule:  “Treat others as you wish to be treated.”  There is a certain amount of humility required to make this real. And an enormous amount of power for those who choose to act on it. The white smoke over the skies of Rome heralds a leader steeped in humility.  I expect he’ll create a spectacular wake.

Seminal

“Let it come to you,” is what he says to me.  We are talking about my next promotion, specifically my request for 2-3 skills I should be developing to position myself for the next level. He explains to me that at this point in my career it is all about leadership; the ability to create a wake.  This is a phrase that resonates immediately with the sea girl in me, a knowing smile spreading across my face as I envision this powerful graphic. The idea of cutting through clear blue water creating an endless trail of waves that reverberate into infinity speaks to my very essence. How many times have I found myself on the water, mesmerized by the unswerving sureness and magic of the wake?   Never before have I felt more in control of my destiny.

A sphere of influence is difficult to measure.  Many of us think it’s about specific individuals, and spend time targeting the “right” people to impress with our work, hoping we’ll get the job that gives us the maximum exposure to the upper echelon.  While it is obviously advantageous to be in the view of those in high places, we sometimes forget that everyone we come into contact with plays a role.  The experience others take away from the time they spend with us creates our reputation. We each have the opportunity to positively influence every person we encounter, every day, and this is how the wake builds. 

Your wake is all around you.  For me it’s in the member of my account advisory board who called yesterday to report that in me the team has found a leader who hasn’t just opened her door but created a threshold that’s comfortable to cross.  It’s in the woman from last spring’s networking event who so strongly identified with the story I told of my shy beginnings, she reached out to me this week seeking some advice on how to overcome her own reserve. It’s in my teenager who, when I marveled over being asked to host a call that 600+ people attend, replied “that’s not enough, Mom.”

There was a time when I would have thought that letting something come to me was the equivalent of being passive.  It takes on a whole new meaning when combined with the concept of creating a wake.  The work doesn’t get any easier, but this is in my wheelhouse.  And there’s a part of me that finally sees when someone who’s drawn me into his own wake advises me to let it come to me, I should believe in the possibility that it could.

Whipsaw

My sixteen year old spent his unexpected snow day in the backyard building an igloo.  Sometimes I’m not quite sure if he is a boy or a man. Still reeling in the wake of Sunday evening’s heated exchange that exposes an opinion I not only do not share, but can’t contemplate for even a second, I find that while I’m no less disturbed by this revelation, I move more quickly than ever from taking the blame for his skewed perspective, no longer wondering where I’ve gone wrong in raising him, but asking myself how to find peace amid our divide. It is a testament to the sagacity seeping into my middle-aged soul that I no longer waste time looking for the root of his misguided mindset or rehearse the next round of the debate, in hopes of scrounging  from under some unturned stone the winning words that will leave him relinquishing  his ridiculous retorts to those I’ve already spoken. He is the manager described by Padmasaree Warrior, CTO at Cisco Systems, in her recent Wisdom 2.0 speech.  Having lost the argument in the leadership meeting, he nods his head in apparent consent, only to direct his team to continue on his chosen path as soon as he walks out the door.

What I can never put to rest is the question of whether this passive-aggressive behavior persists because I am not exercising enough authority or because my authority is waning, his actions truly beyond my control.  It’s also why peace always feels just out of reach.  I say that I want this open relationship with my teenagers, yet when faced with their truths I sometimes wish they would just keep it all to themselves.  The books we read on this topic, like “Broken Open:  How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow”, tell us that it is like this by design, a necessary and rote rite of initiation into adulthood.  The conflict escalates so that we’re good and ready to pack their bags for them, the high school diploma coming not a moment too soon.

I want them to have their own opinions, complete with the fire in the belly needed to defend them, but I worry that the very independent spirits I’ve fostered are too divergent to find a place in our mainstream society.  I can’t tell sometimes whether the audacity and conviction in their voices is everlasting or a passing fad with an ephemeral intensity that only feels like forever.

Whenever some part of life starts to spin out of control I inevitably look to myself for the solution.  There’s just got to be another angle I haven’t looked at, or one more thing I could do differently to right the ship or deliver a positive outcome, right?  But maybe this ceaseless feeling of unrest is a signal that it’s not up to me. 

A new assignment at work has me in a state of suspension.  The direction I’ve been given makes no sense to me.  I want desperately to make a move, but I have no idea what move to make, no idea how I could possibly affect this situation, and so I make no move at all.  And I begin to wonder, is this what it feels like when the move belongs to someone else? 

Before I toss out the approach Warrior uses to rein in her stubborn, wayward charge as not applicable to a teenage boy, I might want to ask myself why it isn’t.  She uses reason and respectfully requests compliance, an agreement to disagree, but an unmistakable understanding that her direction will be heeded.  Maybe my charges don’t fall in line immediately with this approach, but maybe it’s not supposed to be immediate.  Maybe we are truly caught in this space between retribution and reason. After all, he’s still building igloos. 

Lagan

“Be in love with your life.  Every minute of it.”  When Jack Kerouac’s assertion popped up in my Instagram feed last week I was quick to Tweet this to my followers as words to live by.  When I look closer at the comments tagged to this graphic, I am a little startled by the amount of skepticism and negativity this idea generates, a fair number of people finding this request unrealistic.  It makes me think there aren’t enough of us out there believing that we control our happiness.

A fifty-one year old man I know suffered a stroke last week.  As I talk to friends about his situation I find that buried beneath the disbelief and concern we express, the good thoughts and prayers we channel on his behalf, each one of us can’t ignore the gnawing feeling that this could happen to us.  As one friend put it, we’re getting to “that age” now where health problems are more likely to hit us, where the wicked pace of stressful lives led ignoring our own human needs manifests itself, our bodies finally screaming back in revolt.  Those who have neglected themselves to make room for more hours at the office cranking out work, at home operating households and caring for loved ones are kicking themselves for such short-sightedness; or having managed to somehow squeeze self-care into the equation we’re all still awakened into the awareness that the chamber with the bullet could hit us whether we’ve exercised vigilance or not. 

Days filled with quotas, deadlines, demands to innovate, improve or raise the bar bleed into nights full of chores, chauffeuring, and coaching our children, preparing them for ascension into our self-created bedlam, ready to assume our same pandemonium-filled existence.  Do we truly love every minute of this life?  Not if we can never find time to live it on our own terms.

We all have obligations to fulfill; there is no escaping this truth.  Bills need to be paid, children need to be raised, a certain level of good stewardship and social and fiscal responsibility is necessary. But if you’re going to love your life, you need to believe that you have the right to manage your obligations.  You need to assert your right to say no and to set boundaries and limits. You need to say out loud what makes you happy and make time for what you enjoy. Your loved ones can’t possibly know what you enjoy if they never see you enjoying it.   My belief is that the real you can’t possibly surface when you’re buried beneath commitments and responsibilities dictated by others.  Resentment wicks deep into your soul if you let it. And if you’re not careful, you can forget what there is to love about life.  

Life is full of the good and the not so good.  Loving every minute of your life doesn’t mean that it’s rosy all of the time.  Kerouac’s words mean this to me:  When we make a concerted effort to make time on a regular basis for activities that make us happy, even if, especially if, they feel superfluous,  gratuitous or decadent, we find it easier to see the good when we’re living through the not so good; hence, loving every minute of life.

The debilitating illness of someone near should not be our call to action.  We need to be thinking about personal happiness every day.  As my friend shared with me his own regrets about his lack of work life balance, it gave me reason to pause to consider the progress I’ve made in this area.  Are there still things I’d like to accomplish in this life?  Absolutely.  But if it did all end tomorrow, I could feel good about the direction I’m moving.  I’ve elevated my personal goals to a level of importance that is equal to my career.  I’m saying no and not feeling guilty about it.  I’ve stopped expecting loved ones to be telepathic, and instead make it known what constitutes fun in my book by actually doing what I love. My friends and family know what makes me happy. I would argue that it’s just not that hard to love your own life when you make your life your own. 

We’re all going to perish.  This might sound harsh, but it’s undeniable.  We are as beautiful, unique, raw and ephemeral as fresh produce, yet many of us find ourselves living the bland, common, artificial and packaged lives of processed foods believing we have an infinite shelf life.  Don’t wait for devastation to hit another before considering your own plight. Your life has been yours for the taking, all along. You can be in love with it, every minute of it, when you make it yours to love.