When I introduced into my life the practice of showing kindness to myself, it started with little indulgences like the wine. I went from saving the expensive, high quality bottles for super-special once-in-a-lifetime events to cavalierly pulling one out of the basement on a Sunday night for a juicy episode of “The Good Wife”. Every day I am free and powerful is a special occasion, right? As I sit here on a “school” night sipping a hardy red, it just so happens there is more traditional cause for celebration. You are reading the 100th Windlass blog post. I know, crazy!
Back in April when I began writing I really had no idea how much I would love it, or where it would take me. I wondered if anyone would actually read what I posted. I pondered whether I’d run out of content, or start to sound repetitive. I lamented over what people who know me would say about it. Could my message really resonate with my audience? Did it matter?
I’m amazed when I look at the breadth of places and people I am reaching. My page has been viewed across the globe: China, Germany, France and India to name a few countries. Search keywords such as “i sneezed” and “common yellow poppy nyctinasty” net a link to my posts. In fact, “Salve” http://yourwindlass.blogspot.com/2012/06/salve.html, at the top of the most-read list, landed there, I’m certain, when the 17 year-old mastermind behind the field of dreams my boys lived at this summer surfed the net for “wifflot” and discovered an essay about his baby, proudly passing it along to his friends. Teenage girls were responsible for the popularity of “Intrepidity” http://yourwindlass.blogspot.com/2012/06/intrepidity.html, the story of my favorite modern day Disney princess as a spirited independent role model.
I like to think the writing quality has improved over time. If nothing else, I have no doubt I could easily ace the vocabulary section of any ACT or SAT exam. Mining a multitude of thesauruses, searching for the title word that exactly captures my meaning, or double meaning, sometimes, can be at times the most challenging and rewarding part of this creative process. Not only does the word need to get to the heart of my message, it needs to sound pleasing too. Okay, maybe “Nyctinasty” http://yourwindlass.blogspot.com/2012/05/nyctinasty.html doesn’t fit that bit of criteria, but it’s a cool science word like “Syrinx” http://yourwindlass.blogspot.com/2012/12/syrinx.html.
It seems like my words are reverberating with readers, the ones I speak to, anyway. I’m always thrilled to hear when I’ve hit the nail on the head, or put something out there that someone else can really relate to. I experienced the ultimate irony this week when I called an ally for advice and was told I should go back and read my most recent post.
In all honesty this blog is an act of bravery. A personal dare in response to the challenge: “Do one thing every day that scares you.” My heart and soul goes into this writing. I often sit on the “publish” button debating whether releasing my latest ruminations will feel a little bit like standing naked in the street. I meant it when I said in “Assuage” http://yourwindlass.blogspot.com/2012/05/assuage.html that, among other things, writing helps me solve my problems. When faced with a difficult situation I often can’t wait to sit down to put my fingers to the keys. I know that finding the words to share it will lead me to the perspective to solve it, or at least find a little peace. Some of my best work has come from the depths of despair. Some of the best solutions are found there as well.
What I love more than anything is the idea that someday, maybe in 25 years or so, my boys will eagerly devour these words. Maybe they’ll find consolation with career or relationship disappointments or failures. Maybe they’ll harness the strength they possess to keep working toward their passions. Maybe they’ll settle on peace amid the bittersweet letting go with their own children. Mostly I want them to see that moving from being a supporting player in the story of my life to the lead role is not a selfish act, but the ultimate and most selfless gift I can give them: The real me.
For the women reading this work today, I hope you are inspired. I hope you’ve lifted your anchors and started sailing, but not without first christening your vessel with the really good stuff. Since the 1800’s it’s been the woman’s job to crack the bottle against the side of a ship before a maiden voyage. Aren’t you glad it’s the 21st century and you get to be firmly at the helm, too?
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