Cerulean

Eyes are sometimes referred to as the windows to the soul.  The breadth and depth of information processed and emotion expressed through these enchanting instruments can be both subtle and powerful. When we talk about opening our eyes, we’re commonly describing the act of raising the lids and lashes that encase us in darkness during sleep, but the true openness of our eyes is a tightly regulated and nuanced system, controlled by the beautifully colored iris; the jewel that captivates us when we stare into the eyes of another.  As light enters into the pupil, that fetching iris is in control, regulating the aperture and therefore the amount of light that gets in.  Pupils can dilate and contract on a dime, wide open to grab every speck of light one second, and, without warning, completely shut down the next.

Interestingly enough, we possess the capability to exhibit the same phenomenon when it comes to our openness to receiving others. Peter Bregman, in his most recent blog post asks the question "How do you become a great receiver?"  When someone has something to give us, whether it be constructive feedback on our performance at work, perspective on challenges with our children, or love and affection in a personal relationship we regulate our openness to receive this. When we can listen openly instead of defensively, ask questions to understand rather than to refute, and use the information to inform positive change we cement lasting relationships.  And - I love this - we create an environment where people can “speak the unspoken."  Sounds great, right ?  But in reality, this is extremely hard to do.

Lots of us have a pretty good idea of where our strengths and weaknesses lie.  We’re attuned to aspects of our behaviors and emotions that are healthy, and those maybe not so much.  We know we’ve got some personal baggage, opportunities for improvement, maybe a somewhat skewed perspective on some aspects of life, work or relationships based on past experience.  These realizations are hard to reconcile, but we feel relatively safe with the belief that we keep them to ourselves.  Sure, we know these are our issues, but we tell ourselves nobody really notices.  And if nobody notices we don’t have to do anything about them. The thing is, people do notice, and those who see tremendous potential in us, really care about us or want into our lives, they speak up. The really, really scary part about being a good receiver is not only the necessity to acknowledge our hang-ups and imperfections, but that we’re forced to admit that maybe we’re not hiding them so well if there is someone out there who can so clearly see them and call us out. 

So what do you do?  You can be defensive, hurt and defeated, but all this gets you is permanent residence in your self-created fortress.  If the suit of armor never comes off and you’re always ready for a fight, nothing’s ever going to change.  You stagnate in your career, you’re in a perpetual state of battle with your children and you never get beyond the first date.

“Feedback is a gift," a particularly straightforward mentor once told me as she delivered some especially stinging and honest observations about my work.  I think I cried for the next week.  But she was right.  And when I decided to act on the insights she shared, my career took off.   

 "When we wait to be perfect, we wait too long," one of my favorite bloggers, Kristen Armstrong, says.  Likewise, in Reid Hoffman’s world of entrepreneurship, “if you’re not embarrassed by your first release, you launched too late."  The point is, we need to be willing to put ourselves out there, accept that we may not get it right the first time, and see that the people in our lives who are willing to point out where we could be better are truly here to help course correct, not judge. 

There can be as many version upgrades of you, the person, as you’re willing to put out there. Each has the potential to be better than the last. To be really courageous and open to what others have to say is to find true joy.

There are countless people out there who see nothing but beauty and possibilities brimming in your baby blues.  This is not about them; it’s about what you see reflected in the mirror.  What could you change in your world if you had the courage to give the exquisite iris of your soul permission to conquer her fears and just dilate?