Yare

“I have to remind myself that it's impossible to know where the next conversation will lead.”  These are the words a wise friend shares with me last week as she explains how she moves forward in life with positivity.  We’re talking about the disappointment we feel when our expectations don’t match reality and how we slam the door shut on the limitless possibilities out there for us when we put too much definition around what our end game looks like and how we’ll get there.

We all like to think we know what’s going to happen next.  Who doesn’t arrange the conversation in her mind, whether it’s what you might say disciplining your wayward teenager, counseling an underperforming direct report, or enjoying easy banter with the guy sitting next to you on the couch?  We’re steeped in our biases and perspectives.  Pervasive and ingrained, they’re conditioned to swoop in stealth-like and color any situation while we’re in it. We can get really far down the path imagined inside our head, so far in fact that we feel almost jolted into reality upon the sudden realization that there is another living, breathing human being in the encounter, with his own tangled thoughts twining just as feverishly as our own. We can’t even fathom what those might be, of course, because we’ve taken the situation by storm, complete with preconceived notions so firmly rooted it’s impossible to entertain any viewpoint other than our own.

We expect that we will somehow orchestrate the conversation, or better yet, the unfurling of events, especially when we’re in situations with the prospect of delighting us.  Who hasn’t salivated in hungry anticipation while still at the drawing board, already envisioning the shining masterpiece of a “what-if” situation painted inside her head?  It’s all going to magically happen the way we sketch it out, right?   Wrong. 

Both the challenge and the opportunity lie in the fact that you are the only person behind the scenes inside your head rehearsing how you experience life, but once the curtain rises, life’s experiences always involve at least one other person; the wild card, so to speak. No matter how well you think you might know that person, he still possesses the capability to surprise you at every turn.  Unless you’re planning to go through life alone, you can either live in the perpetual state of unmet expectations your finely crafted script often nets, or be open to improvisation and the possibilities the other person in it with you brings to the stage.  The trick is in allowing the moment to unfold, and yourself to be truly in it, without getting distracted, or disappointed, by what it isn’t, or what you hoped it would be. 

Approaching disappointments as misunderstandings can be oddly powerful. “Explain it to me differently” is my request when I find myself missing the point.  There are two sides to every story, a unique and varied perspective from each individual in the situation.  Sometimes it’s nothing more than semantics; sometimes it’s a lack of any experience in an area someone else may be dealing with; sometimes it’s an unwillingness to see ourselves for who we really are.  But every time you ask, and really listen to the answer, it means better understanding and a chance to reset expectations.

Your ship can feel almost effortless to steer when you are solely at the helm.  In your competent hands she’s easy to handle and responsive. You think you know exactly where you’re going, you’re charting the course.  But what happens when someone else jumps on board and wants to go in a different direction?   Or the team you’re assigned at work doesn’t report to you, but they are the resources to implement your vision?  Or children are no longer too young to talk back and have their own ideas about life?  At some point in order to move forward you’re going to need to open yourself up to understanding what’s inside the heads of those around you and contemplate a new course.

Sure, the path will not be what you expect it to be, but it doesn’t need to end in disappointment.  Even on the most circuitous course you can still keep your eyes squarely on the horizon of your dreams.  You’re not giving them up, after all.  In fact, if you let others in, those same dreams just might become even bigger than you ever thought possible.