Peirastic

Beers, chips and guacamole in front of us, we’re sitting across the table from each other on a warm late-summer evening.  I’ve been enjoying immensely a new soundtrack full of great songs I can’t get enough of, but lately it’s skipping maddeningly, the way vinyl does on a turntable.  I’m out of sorts, desperately in need of a friend to lift the needle and help me accept that it’s okay to move on without hearing the rest of this song, maybe even switch to a new album. But I need to choose this friend wisely as I have some painful truths to admit; it doesn’t take long to decide who to call.  Facing me now is someone who I can say anything to, without ever feeling judged, weak, unworthy or unloved in his presence.  And as usual he does not disappoint.

As we’re talking I marvel out loud that I can speak so openly with him, and I’m struck when he admits it’s difficult to communicate with such frankness to the woman he is committed to. I walk away curious about replicating this extraordinary relationship.  How did he and I get to this place?

Friendship is a giant petri dish. It’s a place where we can experiment with putting ourselves out there, a litmus test for our hopes and dreams.  A good friendship is the best laboratory you’ll ever find because it’s completely voluntary in nature and comes without obligations or expectations.  Friendships are absent of commitments like “for better, for worse”, and any rules or parameters such as fidelity and monogamy.  Both parties remain independent coming together on their own accord. Different than family ties that offer no choice and are rooted deeply in responsibility, and our teams and clients at work which are often selected for us, friendships are at-will connections we completely own ourselves; a deeply liberating opportunity to truly be who we are because there is nothing at stake.

 

When I think about my cherished friend, this is how we got to where we are today.  In the seven years since we met, we’ve tried each other on in all kinds of situations, without ever considering that our choices or actions might mean an end. We’ve had a chance to watch each other relate to other people, handle a variety of situations, work in highly stressful environments.  Circumstances have required some very hard conversations between the two of us; we’ve made it out the other side with the friendship intact. We each see something beautiful in the other in the way we move through whatever life places in our paths.  This keeps us coming back for more.  We’ve seen amazing successes combining our unique strengths, and exposed some shameful weaknesses.  Through it all I’ve never had to stop and think about potentially altering my approach because I’ve never technically “needed” him.  I’d miss him terribly if he was no longer around, but I would still move forward with my life.

 

Marriages bring obligations to provide for dependents, both physically and emotionally. Being too candid or bringing too much “you” to the table can risk upsetting an apple cart you need to be in for the long haul. Careers bring requirements to deliver results.  Pay raises and promotions are on the line; being outspoken or advocating radical change can impact your livelihood. Romantic relationships bring all kinds of expectations around finding the “one”. If I’m too “me” he might not like me, this will end and I’ll need to start all over again. The only place where we truly don’t need to consider the end game is in a friendship. Friendships are viewed as infinite.  We’re not working them for some specific outcome, like happily ever after or until death do us part, a promotion or bonus, or an engagement ring; we are just enjoying the moments as they present themselves.

 

What would happen if we applied this approach to other relationships in our lives?  We are able to be our true selves when we put to the side our fears about how others may receive or react to us. Couldn’t we all invest more in every encounter if we weren’t concerned about meeting an expectation or outcome?

Of course we could, but this is really hard. Marriage by definition creates dependency.  Bringing two lives together means a division of labor which puts women in particular at risk of losing themselves. Frank conversations about change can be scary to start.   But if you don’t find a way to talk openly to each other about the hard stuff, you run the risk of a transactional existence that never moves beyond what needs to get done to keep the business of life operating. You’re not the only one in the relationship who is afraid the hard stuff could break it apart.  The strength of your relationship is found in admitting this to each other.

At work, we instinctively want to protect the promise of that promotion so we keep ourselves in check, less engaged because we’ve suppressed our ideas, leaving our teammates, the project and the organization with the benefit of only a portion of what we bring to table.  But if we throw ourselves wholeheartedly into each assignment, honing in where we can add value, we’ll enjoy it more, and be free to assess whether we can get the results we need for that promotion or should think about moving in a new direction.

If you’re really determined to fall deeply in love, it needs to be approached without any thought about the future, just like friendship. Yes, this is impossible, not just hard.  I don’t know of a person out there who can ever really not think about the future when it comes to love.  But I challenge you to try.  It’s like character; we build character each and every day by striving to be a great person.  And we fall in love when we are brave enough to invest fully, pouring who we really are on the inside into each and every encounter without fear of whether it will or won’t lead anywhere.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As you invest in someone, you begin to notice in individual encounters something so beautiful and wonderful that makes you think, hmm I could say “I love you” here, in this moment.  And then you start paying attention to those “I love you” moments. One of two things will happen: You’ll see that while he’s really great, there just aren’t enough “I love you” moments to keep you in it, and you move on. Or more and more of them will string together until you find yourself in the place where you know in your heart that you can say “I love you” all the time because there are so many “I love you” moments to sustain you in the inevitable moments where you don’t.

We can hold back and be a little less of who we really are in hopes of staying on course to reach our dreams. But we spend far more time on the journey than we do at the destination. And we run the risk of missing out on all the happiness and joy there is along the way.  The future is built on each and every now.  What if you lived as if you have nothing to lose?