This reception is
beautiful, as it should be with a shining bride. I’m at Table 8; it’s teeming with some of my favorite people, the beloved tribe I
took to war with me on a tough client assignment, reunited to celebrate our
colleague’s special day. There were years when weddings felt to me like
nothing but empty promises, telegraphing my own failed experience onto the
sparkling couple before me. Tonight is
different, though, and it’s liberating to be clear on exactly why: I know the unparalleled happiness that comes
from being in love, because I’ve finally fallen in love with me.
“The most important person we can practice
our loving on is ourselves,” explains the writer describing "How to be in a relationship when you're single". The
premise for her post is that so many of us single people hold ourselves back
from living our lives waiting for the right person to come into it. We think we can’t
take that trip to Italy without a romantic partner by our side, or we can’t start that business without the financial security and emotional
support of a spouse.
On the surface it
may seem like there’s nothing new here. The standard advice we singles get is to go
out and do things you enjoy and you’ll meet someone. What I read is a revelation because this
author actually explains how to pick yourself up and get out the door. Her words cause me to ponder the root of our
paralysis: Most of us are afraid to move
forward alone because we haven’t figured out how to love ourselves.
In the aftermath
of my divorce I looked at my friends differently. While I have many, there were few I allowed
to see me below the surface. These beautiful people would do anything for me,
but I felt awkward asking. The flaw in my thinking has always been that my love
is reserved for a few select people, that the only person it’s appropriate to get really close to is the man I’m spending my life with. But the thing is, in order to get comfortable
filling my relationship gap with friends instead of lovers I had to bring more
of me to the friendships.
Two years ago I
started a collection of handmade cards with the intent to someday mass produce
and market. Each card is named for the girlfriend who inspires the message. No. 1 in the series is eponymous, asking the question “Did she find the courage to share her gifts from the power
beneath her surface? Or did she find the
power beneath her surface when she had the courage to share her gifts?” I still don’t know how to answer.
To move ahead alone,
we need to have hard conversations with ourselves about what it is we’re afraid to tackle on our own. We need to ask what we believe a partner brings
to the table that supports us in taking the risks we contemplate. It’s only when we have this information that we
can start to look differently at how to fill the need absent of a significant
other, enabling us to take on that goal or dream outright.
Finding the
courage to live your life solo, tackling those audacious dreams anchored in
your soul isn’t in itself what’s rewarding or needle-moving.
The real watershed comes with how our success transforms our feelings about
ourselves. When we believe we’re worthy and truly loveable we are able to open up and share with
others all of what’s wonderful within us. When we love
ourselves we become infinitely available to all of the individuals who cross
our path. This is what makes it possible to cement unbreakable platonic bonds, to
fall in love with another human being we choose to know deeply,
intimately, exclusively.
It’s been seven years since I stood on the steps of the
courthouse on a crisp, sunny morning smiling with the most pacific of sighs. I
didn’t know it then, but I was embarking on a
journey that would include meeting the love of my life. She’s been so worth the wait.
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