Meld

Today I read a provocative quote from Sheryl Sandberg, the COO at Facebook.  Her 2010 TEDWomen talk spread through those of us working in corporate America like a wild fire when she suggested women impede their own career advancement by not being fully in the game, citing an equal partner at home as a success factor for women who reach the top.  She is inspiring and her enthusiasm for empowering women is infectious:  Watch her here http://www.makers.com/sheryl-sandberg

What I’m pondering at the moment is this comment:  “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.”

Wow!  If you’re in one of the many relationships that are not 50/50 partnerships enabling both people to pursue their dreams, you might be wondering if you married the right guy. You love him.  How do you tilt the scales?

Consider how you are approaching this topic.  Many of us are guilty, by default, of anchoring ourselves in the role of primary caretaker and owner of all things related to the home.  We can assume that part of it is simply love for our children and a desire to care for our families.  Part of it is a feeling that society tells us it should be like this.  And part of it is what we think others expect of us.  

But don’t assume this is what your spouse expects of you.

Accepting that we naturally lean toward the home front is helpful in and of its self. But you get to decide how much time you spend there. Think about what your ideal balance looks like and use it as the starting point.

Ask for what you want.  I don’t know why, but lots of us find it really hard to articulate desires that are solely our own.  We’re used to putting everyone else first, and it can seem almost selfish to put our own needs at the top of the list.  But you need to make this conversation happen.  Continually attempting to shoe horn your career or other interests around domestic responsibilities leads to frustration and contempt.  It’s the dry rot of marriages.   

Your guy is likely more supportive than you know.  Not too long ago I chatted with a colleague who was blue over his wife’s sadness when their daughter left the nest. A stay at home mom for 18 years, her whole purpose shifted and she was lost.  In a sweet gesture to engage her, he brought home a canoe, and then was genuinely surprised and disappointed when she didn’t want to join him in the water.  When I inquired if he asked her if she liked canoeing before investing in one, he smiled sheepishly and said no. I bet she’d tell him what she liked if he asked.

Don’t worry; you did marry the right guy.  He loves you and wants you to be happy.  Be brave.  Invite him in to your dreams.  Let him know where you want to go.  He’ll see your passion and want to help you get there.  And it might even spark some passion between the two of you.