Trepidation

Dating is one of the places I want to go. It made the top five on my atlas this year because it’s becoming increasingly evident to me that we don’t get where we want to go without some focused effort. 

I’ve been leaving it up to chance, expecting the man of my dreams to drop into my lap without any attempt on my part to make it happen, and shockingly, he hasn’t arrived.  Maybe I need a new plan? 

Today marks the fifth anniversary of my divorce.  I don’t know what I expected for myself on this milestone, but I’m certain I didn’t expect to be stuck on the starting block.  When I look at the situation, though, my results are commensurate with the effort I’ve put in:  Zero effort = Zero dates.

I have no excuses for my apathy.  Only that I am afraid. 

I thought I was doing a good job of hiding my apprehension, but it is pervasive in ways I never imagined.  A friend recently recounted her experience observing me from a distance at a school function. In her words, nothing I was giving off in my stance or mannerisms made her feel like I was approachable.  Yikes!  I have some work to do.

This is more complicated than a flawed theory of attraction; this is about me allowing fear to sabotage my desires.

So now I’m brooding over the unparalleled power of this emotion.  What is the antidote for its paralyzing effects?  And how do we keep it from getting in the way of what we want?

The obvious answer lies simply in being able to say we are afraid. Naming fear is powerful.  Just being able to articulate what it is that scares us lets us take control of the situation.  I am afraid of things like rejection and the probability of a fast-moving relationship that may leave me feeling pressured to commit. I also worry I’ll yield to the old behaviors of my marriage watching the real me erode away while trying to please someone else.

We can begin to suppress fear by looking for the aspects of the situation that we can control.  In my case I can control how I handle rejection, accepting that it is part of dating and it doesn’t mean I am unlovable.  I can control if and when I commit to someone.  I can be aware of my propensity to put the needs of others ahead of mine and keep my dreams front and center.  I can remind myself I do not have to settle for someone who expects me to be anyone but me.

Now it’s a matter of taking a small risk. I’ve started letting people know I’m open to dating.  It’s a baby step, for sure, but maybe the next time a friend meets a great single guy I’ll come to mind. And I’m paying attention to how I present myself in social situations.

Celebrate when risk pays off, and be kind to yourself if it doesn’t.  We never move forward as quickly when we are timid or tentative as we do when we’re comfortable and confident.  Try to be patient.

Fear stops us in our tracks.  You won’t get around it until the desire for your goal trumps your terror.  If you suspect you’re hiding behind excuses to mask your demons, ask yourself what’s causing your angst and answer honestly. 

Share your fears with a friend; just talking has an amazingly quelling affect. Maybe you’re tempted to hold it all inside, thinking your worries are silly or embarrassing?  You are not alone.  We can all relate:  Everyone is afraid of something.