Shavath

In a moment of boldness I say what needs to be said, and instantaneously ruffle some feathers.  I’m put on the spot, not expecting to deliver this message at this time, in this forum, but this doesn’t mean I regret my words. The ripple effect is pretty significant, and I now find myself preparing to facilitate a follow-up meeting that I fully expect to be contentious.  Sometimes I wonder how I get myself in these places, and how to feel good when the house stops spinning, landing with a thud.

 

Today is my Sabbath.  Technically, I’m a day late, but finding that the modern world makes it nearly impossible to sit still on Saturday, I choose the quieter Sunday. I’m sure devout Christians will tell me I don’t get to make that choice, but I’m attempting to embrace  the concept which feels like a way to bring balance, something desperately needed in my life.  Waffling, I’m tempted to start work on my presentation, thinking confidence lives in excessive preparation. But I decide that instead of toiling away on the one day a week I’m dedicating to me, I can honor my Sabbath by preparing my soul, using this day of rest to get at the root of the fear this meeting evokes in me.

 

Did I bring controversial perspective to the table that the group as a whole had not heard before?  Yes.  Did I raise issues that will cause others to believe they need to defend?  Yes.  Is this information coming to light at a time when we’re feeling extremely pressured to deliver a product that’s already been designed?   Have we been stuck in a holding pattern under cover of these misgivings?  Yes and yes. Will an open discussion about this lead to alignment and a path forward?  Yes.  Okay, so what am I afraid of?

 

The list feels endless.  Here are some of the questions, fair or not, the Greek chorus in my head is asking:  This message needed to make it to the broader group sooner, why has it taken you so long to get the right attention on this, to realize the team isn’t collaborating?  Why aren’t you capable of single-handedly getting the alignment we need to move forward?  Maybe you are wrong for the job if you need to bring all of these reinforcements in to be heard?  They shoot the messenger, don’t they? 

The vast number of talented writers peppering my Sunday reading tell me that all of the self-deprecation I am entertaining in my head is groundless.   In "The First Step to Being Powerful" by Nilofer Merchant, I’m reminded (again) that I never speak to others the way I speak to myself.  "What No Means"  according to Seth Godin is not that people hate me, but more likely they don’t understand the issue as well as I do and are busy combatting their own internal fearmongers.  I extrapolate from Stacy Janicki's post for Fast Company that by nature I am a collaborative worker, so imbued that I expect it from others to a fault, meaning I sometimes miss that this is not second nature to all.  Instead of thinking of collaboration as a woman’s quality and apologizing for it, I need to own it and show others this mode of operation because it’s so valued in today’s connection economy.

My favorite, by far, is this from Basil King:  “Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.”  I’m not in front of the heavy hitters next week as punishment for the crime of boldness and outing the issues, I’ve earned a moment of their valuable time because I’ve identified a show-stopper that only they are capable of resolving.  That’s quite a different feeling, which puts me in a different state of mind.

By honoring my Sabbath, I find some inner peace. On this day of rest, which could easily feel selfish, like I am its sole beneficiary, I accomplish the most important task of all.  Through investing time in me, I reassure myself that I am enough, and all I’ll ever need to make a difference.

“Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” – Goethe