Tautology

His sister’s weekend visit home from college spurns a conversation about ruling the roost; she’s here as regent while her parents are out of town.  Although he’s bemoaning this injustice, it’s acknowledged her power has not gone to her head, far from it.  We laugh that I’m the monarch of my castle and while he thinks he’s witty suggesting “Bloody Mary”, we all know my tactics bear no resemblance to those of the 16^th century queen who attempted to return England to Roman Catholicism by brute force.

I’ve been the controlling parent, attempting to will children into good behavior with yelling and might. And I’ve seen about as much success as “Bloody Mary”.  This causes me to realize, many years ago now, that I’d better work on my relationships instead. While influence isn’t necessarily the fastest route to change, it’s certainly the most sustainable. And you can’t influence anybody without a good connection.

Those of us managing by influence need a tremendous amount of confidence, patience and faith. Progress is slow.  You become tired of the sound of your own voice, repeating recurring themes in slightly different terms, desperately hoping the right combination of words will intersect the maturation curve of the brain at precisely the point where something, anything, can finally sink in.

 

I have accepted, become comfortable even, with this waiting game when it comes to my parenting, so it surprises me to realize that I lack the same level of assurance at the office. A wise executive reminds us that when it comes to change we must tell the same story over and over again, and when we literally can’t stand the sound of our own voices, that’s when we know we’ve only started saying enough. I know this to be true, yet I’ve been walking around for months assuming no one is listening.

This week I notice a subtle shift, easy to miss if not for the fact that with two teenagers I’m attuned to small victories.  People are beginning to see the changes we need to make, the very ones I’ve been touting for some time now.  But it’s not happening in the way I thought it would.  I start asking questions, expecting that I will receive answers. But these are difficult issues; the ones that make others feel vulnerable, so they go unaddressed.  Only I know in my heart we need to find the courage to speak the answers or the project will fail, so I continue asking.  This makes it okay for others to start questioning, too. And so they do.  No one needs to burst out with a proclamation that I’m right.  Instead, I find us in a groundswell.  It’s the last thing I expect; it’s the best thing.

 

Some might say I need to make sure everyone knows this swell started with me, that I need to get credit for this change.  I don’t need to be “Bloody Mary”. The team all moving in the same direction on their own accord is far more powerful than anything I could ever achieve on my own.  Recognition for a single act is nothing more than a split second in the sun. I’ll gladly take apperception, instead.  I’m forever in the sun, basking in the understanding that I possess the ability to ignite undulation that can change the world.

Influence works in mysterious ways. If you believe it in your soul, never stop speaking it.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”  -- Soren Kierkegaard